The Definitive Timeline of Philippine History

Colony of Spain for more than three hundred years and of America for another fifty, the Philippines has had less than a hundred years to put its house in order on its own.

Here is a comprehensive timeline of Philippine history to understand how we have come to this present mess.

1. Pre-Colonial Period
2. Spanish Rule (with Nationalist Movement subsection)
3. American Rule (with Japanese Occupation subsection)
4. Independence

Pre-Colonial Period (Prehistory-1521)

• 50,000 BCE Mrs. Homo luzonensis, a pygmy lady who lives in a muggy cave in northern Cagayan Valley, nags her husband incessantly for more fruits and nuts to eat, and a nice little bungalow to live in.

• 40,000 BCE Escaping the tiger-infested jungles of China, Nognog and his Negrito clan arrive on the islands after paddling across the Batanes Strait. They find the islands’ jungles relatively pleasant, with only giant pythons to deal with.

• 20,000 BCE Mr. Tabon man prepares a tasty meal of roasted bats and tarsier head soup just outside his cave in southern Palawan while watching the spectacular sunset of the West Philippine Sea marred by Chinese Coast Guard boats on the horizon.

• 3,000 BCE Standing on the coast of mainland Asia, Moana and her Austronesian kin embark on a great journey to colonize each and every island of Southeast Asia and the Pacific Ocean. The laziest and least adventurous of them settle on the first islands they see: the Philippine archipelago.

• 800 CE Hindu-Buddhist barangay of Tondo is founded on the northern shores of Pasig River in Luzon. The settlers later build the fabled Smokey Mountain, the biggest landfill in the Srivijayan Empire where territories near and far can dump their trash.

• 900 CE Frustrated by the Filipino natives’ propensity to forget their debts, moped-riding Bumbays introduce the Brahmic writing script Kawi to the islands to have a paper record of who owes what.

• 1240 Arabs introduce Islam to Sulu, where it spread througout the archipelago. Native Filipinos who keep several wives and slaves now have a religious justification for it.

• 1258 Muslim principality of Manila is founded on the southern shores of Pasig River. The name comes from the manila folders and envelopes which grow on manila trees abundant in the area, trade in which brings modest prosperity to the fledgling settlement.

Spanish Rule (1521-1898)

Uninvited, and with the help of cannons, guns and bayonets, the Spanish gently persuade the natives to abandon their heathen ways and embrace Jesus Christ. They also do some killing, stealing, land-grabbing, raping and torturing on the side.

• 1521 March Out of nowhere, explorer Ferdinand Magellan lands on Limasawa Island in Southern Leyte and invites the natives to a bible study. The natives have no idea what on Earth is going on but they join anyway because there are free snacks.

• 1521 April Rajah Humabon of Cebu, not realizing what nasty diseases the Europeans brought with them, performs the blood compact with Magellan. He trades two of his wives in return for some trinkets.

• 1521 April Datu Lapulapu, fed up with Magellan’s bullshit, hacks him to death when he lands on Mactan Island. Magellan’s maggot-infested corpse makes the first circumnavigation of the globe when it reaches Spain on September the following year.

• 1565 Miguel Lopez de Legazpi arrives in Cebu with four ships and 380 men and exhort Rajah Tupas at gunpoint to accept Jesus Christ as his savior, in case he might die prematurely from some accident or God knows what. Rajah Tupas sort of agrees.

• 1574 Famished after months of seafaring and looting, Chinese pirate Limahong raids Manila for some decent fried rice and dim sum. He runs amok after finding nothing but sinigang and pinakbet.

• 1593 The Dominicans print the Doctrina Christiana, the first ever publication in the islands. Later, they also secretly print the country’s first erotic novel Biag ni Lam-ang which they only share among themselves.

• 1600 The Igorots, who came to the islands when nobody was watching, begin building the rice terraces in the Cordilleras. They immediately apply for inclusion as UNESCO World Heritage Site.

• 1603 In what is now known as the Sangley Rebellion, the Spanish massacre some 20,000 Chinese residents of Manila because they all look suspiciously like Limahong and they hate that sonofabitch.

• 1611 University of Santo Tomas, Asia’s first, is established. Subjects include Latin, Astrology, Exorcism, Alchemy and Wet Nursing.

• 1627 The first batch of nurses graduate from University of Santo Tomas. They board the first ship out of Manila to migrate to the UK.

• 1763 Gabriela Silang, founds the first feminist and LGBTQ+ movement in the Philippines. The Spanish, who are very conservative, have her permanently cancelled.

• 1814 Mount Mayon violently erupts, disrupting hiking activities in the Bicol Region. The resulting ashfall buries thousands of Bicolanos, who are notoriously slow walkers.

• 1829 Dagohoy Revolt in Bohol, the longest rebellion against Spanish rule in Philippine history, ends after the rebels get lost inside the Chocolate Hills.

• 1834 A complete set of Kapre skeleton is unearthed in Bambang, Nueva Viscaya.

• 1838 Francisco Balagtas publishes the epic Florante at Laura. It is panned by critics who don’t have the slightest idea where the country of Albania is, but the steamy movie adaptation starring Leopoldo Salcedo and Celia Flor is a big hit.

Filipino Nationalist Movement (1872-1898)

After 300 years under Spanish yoke, Filipinos come to realize that they can probably do the oppression of their fellow Filipinos just as well as the Spanish, maybe even better.

• 1872 Hidebound and petty Spanish authorities execute the Filipino priests Gomburza (Gomez, Burgos, Zamora) for having a memorable portmanteau, which Filipino schoolchildren use as mnemonic for pop quizzes.

Illustration: Filipino priests Mariano Gomez, Jose Burgos and Jacinto Zamora, who are almost never seen apart.

• 1878 The Sultan of Sulu leases Sabah to the British North Borneo Company, who assured him they will return the territory after “just a couple of years, cross our hearts and hope to die.”

• 1887 Jose Rizal publishes the subversive novel Noli Me Tangere, earning him the ire of Spanish authorities, and of high school students everywhere who are then required to submit a book report about it.

• 1891 Ignoring the universally bad reviews of his earlier novel, Rizal tries again and publishes its equally bad but more action-packed sequel El Filibusterismo, featuring more sexy scenes and car chases.

• 1892 Andres Bonifacio and other Ilustrados found the Katipunan, a secret organization whose aim is to overthrow the ruling Spanish and take their place in oppressing the Indios.

• 1892 Rizal returns to the Philippines from Spain and is immediately exiled to Dapitan, just behind the Thomas Aquinas building of UST.

• 1893 Tiburcio Kidlat publishes the first Philippine newspaper Ang Kidlat, aiming to shine a spotlight on the vices, follies and abuses of the ruling Spanish. He is promptly arrested and shot.

• 1896 August Bonifacio, Emilio Jacinto and other Katipuneros horribly realize they have torn up their cedula by mistake instead of their grocery receipts, prompting the Cry of Pugadlawin.

• 1896 December Spanish authorities finally execute Rizal by firing squad at Bagumbayan for writing exceedingly bad novels that everybody hated.

• 1897 March Emilio Aguinaldo, the original Trapo, hijacks the Katipunan at the Tejeros Convention by bribing everyone in attendance, setting the tone of Philippine politics for the next hundred years.

• 1897 December Katipunan and Spanish authorities sign the Pact of Biak-na-Bato, awarding the Filipinos’ revolutionary efforts with an all-expense-paid trip to Hong Kong.

• 1898 April The Americans, feeling left out of the European-led conquering and colonizing activities and casting covetous eyes on Cuba, Guam and Philippines, declares war on Spain.

• 1898 May Freshly rested, Aguinaldo and his men return to Cavite with a new flag which they bought from Alibaba for 10 yuan and a shipful of stuffed toys from Hong Kong Disneyland.

American Rule (1898-1946)

Americans muscle in and assume the role of mentoring their Little Brown Brothers–after they massacre some of them first.

• 1898 June Aguinaldo elects himself President and declares independence from Spain, except that Spain has already sold the Philippines to the US just the day before.

• 1898 June The last fifty Spanish soldiers in the country barricade themselves in a church in Baler, Quezon to shoot the movie Our Last Men in the Philippines, which will later win the Goya Awards for best costume.

• 1898 October Manila Times publishes its first issue. Columnist Rigoberto Tiglao lambasts the Spanish and Americans and urge the Katipuneros to throw their lot with the Chinese.

• 1899 June Men loyal to Aguinaldo assassinate Antonio Luna in Cabanatuan City. Rumor has it that Luna is loathed by Aguinaldo, who has always wanted to grow a bushy mustache but can’t.

• 1899 December Boy General Gregorio Del Pilar, who is only seven at the time, is killed in the Battle of Tirad Pass against the Americans.

Photo: Boy General Gregorio del Pilar, 7, riding a wooden horse at Tirad Pass.

• 1901 March Through an elaborate ruse involving dancing clowns from Macabebe, Pampanga, US forces capture Aguinaldo, who proclaims he was on the Americans’ side all along.

• 1907 Americans trick Macario Sakay and his heavy metal band Tagalog Republic to perform in Cavite, and arrest all members when they can’t play kundiman songs. Sakay is eventually hanged and buried with his beloved Kirk Hammett signature ESP guitar.

• 1908 University of the Philippines is established in Manila. The first batch of students cut classes and stage demonstrations on Taft Avenue shouting “Down with the US-Aguinaldo dictatorship! Asia for Asians!”

• 1939 Anticipating the likes of such brilliant leaders as Marcos, Estrada and Duterte, strangely prescient President Manuel Quezon declares “I would rather have a government run like hell by Filipinos than a government run like heaven by Americans.”

Japanese Occupation (1941-1945)

Japan entice the Filipinos to join its Greater East Asia Co-Prosperity Sphere by bayonetting everyone to submission.

• 1941 Japanese troops land in the Philippines, giving the Filipinos their first taste of kawaii Hello Kitty toys and hentai porn. Filipinos opposed to deviant pornography retreat to Corregidor to make a last stand.

• 1942 General Douglas MacArthur evades his ninja assassins and escapes to Australia, uttering the iconic words “I’ll be back.”

• 1944 General Tomoyuki Yamashita buries 10,000 Pokéballs all over the country and dares the Filipinos to try find them all. Those who can’t are bayonetted on the spot.

• 1945 Awakened by the atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, a disoriented Godzilla mistakenly lumbers to Manila and reduces the city to rubble instead of Tokyo.

Photo: Godzilla destroys Manila.

• 1945 Yamashita is hanged by the American weaboos occupying Manila after he couldn’t find the Pokéballs buried under the enormous piles of debris covering the city.

Independence (1946-present)

Unshackled from foreign intervention, Filipinos finally get free rein to run the country like hell.

• 1946 The US dumps the Philippines and buggers off to Japan, leaving the Filipinos alone to clean up their gigantic mess. Japan donates 10,000 brooms and 5,000 mops as war reparation.

• 1950 Hundreds of Philippine soldiers join the American-led forces in the Korean War. Most will return home with PTSD and a severe addiction to Korean dramas.

• 1957 Popular President Ramon Magsaysay dies in a plane crash. Investigations reveal that the pilot was playing Manhole on a Nintendo Game & Watch while manning the plane’s controls.

• 1965 Ferdinand Marcos, descendant of Ferdinand Magellan, is elected president.

• 1967 After enduring the Philippines’ nonstop badgering, Thailand, Singapore, Malaysia and Indonesia finally agree to form the Association of Southeast Asian Nations (ASEAN) just to shut her up. The Philippines immediately proposes paluwagan to her new best friends.

• 1968 Jose Maria Sison founds the Communist Party of the Philippines (CPP) whose aim is to distribute the growing misery equally among the Filipino bourgeoisie and proletariat alike.

• 1969 Bernabe Buscayno organizes the New People’s Army (NPA), the CPP’s armed wing, to give their message of communist dystopia more bite.

• 1971 Nur Misuari and Muslim leaders in Mindanao establish the Moro National Liberation Front, aiming to create a separate Islamic country in southern Philippines where they can do the exploiting of their fellow Muslims instead of the Christian leaders in Manila.

• 1972 Super Robots Voltes V and Mazinger Z attack Manila with the help of local Filipino communist cadres; President Marcos places country under Martial Law.

• 1973 First Lady Imelda Marcos buys her 37th pair of Hermes shoes in Paris, telling her husband “This is the last, dear, I promise.”

• 1974 Philippines discovers a valuable and virtually inexhaustible commodity for trade: Filipinos. Marcos creates government agencies to select the most suitable varieties for export, first to the Middle East, then to the rest of the world.

Photo: Filipinos selected for export to Vietnam aboard Philippine Airlines.

• 1974 Hiroo Onoda, the first-ever hikikomori, comes out of his cave and surrenders in Lubang Island, Mindoro. His hideout reveals World War II-era rifles, discarded cups of instant ramen, and a massive collection of manga.

• 1976 Muammar Gaddafi and Imelda Marcos stage a week-long bed-in in Libya to protest the ongoing conflict in Muslim Mindanao, resulting in the Tripoli Agreement.

• 1977 Mae Anne Padolina, the first Japayuki, departs for the glorious Land of the Rising Sun to perform tinikling and maglalatik for cultural events. Tens of thousand others enroll in folk dance classes.

• 1978 Folk-singer Freddie Aguilar releases the iconic song “Anak Ka ng Ina Mo” which is eventually shortened to “Anak” for marketing purposes. It is eventually translated and sung to a billion languages.

• 1980 Action-fantasy film Ang Panday starring Fernando Poe, Jr. debuts on IMAX theaters, sporting cutting-edge CGI and 4D-surround sound.

• 1981 Giant mechs and communist rebels successfully repelled, President Marcos lifts Martial Law.

• 1983 A motley crue of NPA hitmen, military SWAT soldiers and CIA operatives assassinate Senator Benigno “Ninoy” Aquino Jr. from fifty different angles after the deducing the airport where his plane will land from his name.

• 1986 Marcos ally General Favian Fer discovers racy love letters between Defense Secretary Juan Ponce Enrile and RAM leader Gregorio Honasan and orders them arrested. The lovers elope to Camp Crame on EDSA.

• 1986 Trapped in a massive traffic in EDSA, tens of thousands of commuters decide to leave their buses and walk home, clogging the highway and accidentally triggering the People Power Revolution that drive President Marcos from power. Corazon “Heart” Aquino becomes president.

• 1991 Using their highly developed deduction skills, scientists at the Philippine Institute of Volcanology and Seismology (PHILVOCS) accurately predict the imminent eruption of Mt. Pinatubo after observing the volcano shoot a massive ash column 20km into the atmosphere.

Photo: PHILVOCS scientists predict Mount Pinatubo eruption after observing its massive ash column.

• 1994 Philippines makes its first connection to the Internet when an employee of the Philippine Network Foundation downloads a topless photo of Tracy Lords from a server in CERN.

• 2006 Filipino mountaineer Leo Oracion makes history as the 1,874th person to climb Mount Everest.

• 2010 The Manila Hostage Crisis inside a tourist bus comes to a successful end when members of an elite SWAT team shoot the hostage-taker and all hostages that are not already dead.

• 2012 Philippines lodges strong protest to China after it discovers several Chinese Coast Guard ships dragging Scarborough Shoal from its usual location near Zambales to a site just 10km from Hainan Island.

• 2013 The Department of Education introduces the K-12 Program through which basic education that can be taught in 10 years is stretched to 12 to enable Filipino schoolchildren to have more time each day for social media.

• 2015 The National Mapping and Resource Information Authority announces it has finally located the 400 islands that the country feared were lost after they were blown away by typhoon Yolanda.

• 2016 President Rodrigo Duterte announces an all-out War on Drugs and provides the police with tanks, bombs and guns to shoot on sight all kinds of illicit substances wherever they see them. Tens of thousands of Filipino bystanders die from stray bullets.