Drugs Win Philippines’ War on Drugs
(Manila, Philippines) – President Bongbong Marcos declared at Tuesday’s press conference that drugs have decisively won the Philippines’ War on Drugs, one year after former president Rodrigo Duterte, the architect of the brutal six-year war on illicit substances, left office.
As a token of surrender, President Marcos had a day earlier pardoned and released from prison former senator Leila de Lima, the feared drug lord and head of the powerful Bilibid Drug Cartel which controls drug distribution in Metro Manila and Luzon.
“Today we finally acknowledge what we have known for some time: the War on Drugs has been lost,” President Marcos said. “Looking back, this ill-conceived war has been nothing but a drain on our country’s limited resources and an infringement on every Filipino’s human right to get high.”
“I have informed our allies in the House of Representatives and the Senate that I intend to sign into law the bills that will legalize the selling and buying of heretofore illicit drugs such as ecstasy, shabu, marijuana and many others. Hopefully, we will soon see these recreational substances sold in every sari-sari store and shopping mall all over the nation.”
The Philippine government is expected to issue drug importation and distribution permits as early as January next year to a number of Chinese triads, local gangs such as Sigue Sigue Sputnik, and the different branches of the Philippine Armed Forces and National Police.
It is estimated that around 57% of the Philippine population, or 60 million Filipinos from seven to ninety years old are addicted to drugs, many to escape the reality of being born in the country. The number of stoned Filipinos is projected to increase sharply after this announcement by the President.
Observers have commented on serious missteps by the previous Duterte administration in waging the War on Drugs such as focusing on killing ordinary drug users instead of going after major drug pushers, opinions that Senator Ronald dela Rosa, Duterte’s chief enforcer, derided as “uniformed.”
“The only mistake we made was that we didn’t kill enough of those junkies and crackheads because of constant interference from liberals,” dela Rosa said in a brief statement.
President Marcos, however, emphasized the importance of looking to the future instead of dwelling on past mistakes.
“As with any end to a long, unpopular war, this day is a cause for celebration,” the president continued. “Let’s all celebrate drugs’ victory in the War on Drugs by getting absolutely stoned.” Marcos then left the podium to snort a few lines of white powder backstage in full view of the gathered reporters and government officials.