KIDLAT

Philippines Cedes Mindanao to China for $20 Billion in Cash, NFTs and Dogecoins

(Manila, Philippines) – After months of top-secret negotiations between the Philippines and the People’s Republic of China, Philippine Secretary of Foreign Affairs Enrique Manalo and his Chinese counterpart Wang Yi announced at the joint press conference Monday that the Philippines has agreed to sell Mindanao and the surrounding islands to the Chinese-speaking nation for $20 billion, with $15 billion in cash and the remaining $5 billion payable in non-fungible tokens (NFTs) and Dogecoins.

China also agreed to drop all import tariffs against Philippine bananas and pineapples, in exchange for the Philippines agreeing to drop all claims to Ayungin Shoal and Bajo de Masinloc.

Under the deal, Mindanao will become a province of China and renamed Mianlanlao, while its capital Davao City will be renamed Lapbau. Filipinos–including former president Rodrigo Duterte who was in Cebu at the time of the announcement–will be required to obtain a visa before they can visit the new Chinese province.

Map: the Chinese province of Mindanao (Mianlanlao)

The announcement stunned the gathered reporters who were expecting a press briefing about the ongoing tensions in the West Philippine Sea.

The unprecedented land sale includes the main island of Mindanao, the smaller islands of Camiguin, Dinagat and Siargao, the entire Sulu archipelago, and the contested region of Sabah, with a total land area of 188,341 square kilometers. The purchase price comes to around $106 per square kilometer.

President Marcos later declared that “it was a really good deal, considering Mindanao is a backwater full of degenerate secessionists anyway, not to mention Sabah is under illegal occupation by Malaysia.”

According to a high-ranking Philippine government official privy to the deal who asked not to be named because of its sensitive nature, the negotiations were “intense” and that the Chinese side insisted on including Pag-asa Island into the deal. In the end, they settled on the Philippine side dropping all claims to Ayungin Shoal and Bajo de Masinloc, and the payment of $5 billion in Dogecoins and non-fungible tokens of Pokemon cards.

The Mindanao sale was effective immediately, and even as the two secretaries of foreign affairs were conducting their press conference, People’s Liberation Army Navy (PLAN) ships have already landed troops in Davao City, Cagayan de Oro, General Santos and other large cities in Mindanao to secure the region after the Philippine navy and army have left their posts earlier.

After the announcement, demonstrations were reported in Zamboanga, Butuan and other cities but were quickly put down by the Chinese army.

Former Philippine government officials, including Davao City Mayor Sara Duterte, were relieved of their positions and kept in house arrest. Chinese Foreign Ministry spokesperson Mao Ning confirmed later that all former government officials will be released unharmed after they have been reeducated and learned to write Chinese characters and speak Mandarin.

Mao also confirmed that all Mindanaoans will be required to adopt Chinese names and pledge allegiance to paramount leader Xi Jinping. Mandarin will become the official language of communication in all schools and government offices, and the use of Cebuano and other Bisayan languages will be phased out gradually within five years.

Meanwhile, inquiries to Malacañang about what will happen to the third star in the Philippine flag that symbolizes Mindanao went unanswered as of this writing.

Kidlat News Creative Commons BY-SA 4.0. Chinese Province of Mindanao, adapted from Google Maps.