Water Cannons Aimed at Philippine Coast Guard Ship Actually Shower Heads, China Insists

(Beijing, China) – After weeks of silence, Chinese spokesman Yize Qu, at a press conference in Beijing, chided the Philippine media for erroneously reporting that the shower heads aimed by a Chinese ship at a Philippine Coast Guard vessel were water cannons.

The Philippines has accused China of using one of its navy ships to fire water cannons at its ship and blocking it in the South China Sea, called West Philippine Sea by the Philippines.

The incident happened when a Philippine Coast Guard vessel was escorting boats carrying provisions of Tanduay Rum, lechon, and hotdog spaghetti for Filipino soldiers stationed on one of the contested Spratley Islands.

The Philippines and its ally the US has condemned the Chinese Navy ship’s actions as interfering with the Philippines’ lawful exercise of freedom of navigation and the internationally recognized right to celebrate a birthday party.

The Chinese spokesman, however, insists that the alleged water cannons widely reported in the Philippine media were actually shower heads that the Chinese ship uses for bathing.

According to Qu, when the Philippine ship sailed dangerously close by, Chinese crew noticed that their Filipino counterparts looked like they may not have taken a bath for days with their ragged clothes and sullen demeanor, being that there are no ports to take showers in for hundreds of kilometers in the disputed region.

The Chinese crew, out of pity for their fellow sailors decided to douse them with body-soap-laden high-powered bursts of salty water.

“That is exactly what happened,” says Qu, “and we are disappointed that our magnanimous gesture was interpreted negatively by the Philippines, no doubt at the instigation of the US.”

“We call on the Philippine media to verify facts before reporting, stop slandering China, and refrain from actions that hurt the feelings of the Chinese people,” he added.