KIDLAT News | Philippine news satire

UP Freshman Sports Che Guevara Shirt in Attempt to Attract Women Who Hate Imperialism but Love Red Flags

Thu, 12 Feb 2026 00:00:00 +0000

QUEZON CITY – In a bold display of ideological peacocking, University of the Philippines (UP) freshman Wilfredo Alarcon, 18, was spotted climbing the steps of Palma Hall in Diliman Campus Wednesday afternoon wearing a slightly distressed Che Guevara T-shirt–a sartorial choice he claims was made “to spark revolutionary discourse,” but which several sources confirm was more accurately aimed at sparking interest from left-leaning women majoring in Ethnic Studies.

“I think Che Guevara represents, like, the fight against global capitalism,” said Alarcon, casually sipping a ₱220 Caramel Macchiato from Starbucks. “Also, I heard UP chicks are into guys who read The Communist Manifesto at least once.”

Photo: Pre-faded, slightly distressed shirt featuring Che Guevara's iconic visage.

Alarcon, who hails from Sikatuna Village and whose parents own a Jollibee franchise on Katipunan Avenue, purchased the shirt from an Urban Outfitters clearance bin during a recent US trip after Googling “hot communist chic fashion.” The red-and-black garment features Guevara’s iconic visage–complete with the thousand-yard revolutionary stare–and appears to have been pre-faded for authenticity.

When asked if he was familiar with Che Guevara’s actual political legacy, Alarcon became briefly defensive. “Well, I saw the movie,” he said, referring to The Motorcycle Diaries. “He was like, super into Harley bikes and helping people, right? Honestly, I mostly identify with his vibe.”

Witnesses report that the shirt has already garnered attention in his Economics 101 class, where one sophomore female student purportedly asked if Alarcon “was being ironic or just insufferable.”

“I think he means well,” said fellow classmate Nathan Madera, a self-described anarcho-syndicalist who follows five different mutual aid collectives on Instagram. “But it’s giving ‘revolutionary by aesthetic’ vibes. Like, if Che Guevara had a podcast and a Patreon.”

Despite mixed reactions, Alarcon remains undeterred.“I’ve got a black beret on the way,” he said proudly. “And I’m thinking of growing facial hair in a way that suggests I’ve read Joma Sison, but not in a performative way.”

At press time, Alarcon was seen at the UP Food Hub prompting ChatGPT “what is dialectical materialism?” on his Macbook Pro while casually rotating his copy of Capital: Volume 1 so that the title faced outward.

UNESCO Rejects Philippines’ Bid to List Chocolate Hills After Discovering They Are Not, In Fact, Chocolate

Mon, 09 Feb 2026 00:00:00 +0000

CARMEN, Bohol — The United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) has formally rejected the Philippines’ application to designate the Chocolate Hills of Bohol as a World Heritage Site, citing what it described as a “fundamental misunderstanding of both geology and dessert.”

In a 43-page assessment released Monday, UNESCO confirmed that despite the site’s name, chocolate-colored appearance during the dry season, and the “confidently suggestive language” in the Philippine submission, the 1,268 conical hills are not made of chocolate, have never been made of chocolate, and showed no realistic potential to become chocolate in the future.

Photo: The Chocolate Hills of Bohol, where no chocolate has been found.

“Our mandate requires a minimum standard of material accuracy,” said Dr. Étienne Lavoisier, head of UNESCO’s Cultural Landscapes Evaluation Committee. “In this case, the hills are limestone formations. Limestone is not chocolate. This was not a close call.”

No Cacao Trees, No Cocoa

According to the report, UNESCO’s investigative team spent three weeks surveying the site for any evidence that might support the Philippine application’s repeated references to “naturally occurring chocolatey landforms.”

“Not a single cacao tree was found,” the report states. “Nor were there cocoa pods, cocoa beans, or any agricultural infrastructure suggesting an indigenous, chocolate-consuming civilization.”

Investigators also noted that local vegetation consisted primarily of grass, shrubs, and trees “that have never once been made into confectionery.”

One field note reads simply: ‘Tasted leaf. Not chocolate.’

Soil Sample Fails Critical Beverage Test

In an effort to give the submission “every possible benefit of the doubt,” UNESCO scientists collected soil samples from multiple hills and attempted to prepare traditional hot chocolate drink at their temporary field office in Sagbayan, Bohol.

The process involved grinding the soil, heating it with water, and adding sugar “to account for possible bitterness caused by terroir.”

“The resulting beverage was chocolate-brown, yes,” said Lavoisier. “But so is sewage runoff. Color alone is not evidence.”

Testers described the drink as having “strong notes of damp earth,” “a tinge of bitter disappointment,” and “the unmistakable aftertaste of mud.”

“No marshmallow could save it,” the report adds.

Submission Language Raised Red Flags

UNESCO officials also expressed concern over the tone of the Philippine application, which repeatedly used phrases such as ‘chocolate-like,’ ‘resembling chocolate,’ and ‘chocolate-based geomorphology,’ while never explicitly stating that the hills were edible.

Another passage described the hills as “melting visually under intense sunlight,” which UNESCO clarified was “grass drying out.”

In a brief statement, the Philippine Department of Tourism acknowledged UNESCO’s findings and said the application may have “leaned too heavily into poetic branding.”

“We regret any confusion,” the statement read. “The Chocolate Hills are actually just chocolate in spirit.”

UNESCO, however, confirmed that spirit-based chocolate does not meet World Heritage criteria.

Hills Remain Unchanged, Non-Chocolate

Despite the rejection, the Chocolate Hills will remain a major tourist attraction, continuing their centuries-long existence as non-chocolate, conical mounds of dirt.

When asked whether UNESCO would reconsider the application in the future, Lavoisier was cautious. “If, at some point, the hills demonstrably become chocolate,” he said, “we are open to reevaluating the case.”

Until then, UNESCO encourages visitors to “enjoy the landscape responsibly” and to obtain their chocolate from “reputable, dessert-specific sources.”

Smashing All Targets, Philippines Achieves Unprecedented Human Export Yield in 2025

Fri, 30 Jan 2026 00:00:00 +0000

MANDALUYONG, Metro Manila – Declaring 2025 “a banner year for outbound citizens,” the Philippine government announced Thursday it has dramatically exceeded even its most bullish people-export projections, shipping a staggering 131,250 metric tons of Filipinos abroad, despite minor bottlenecks such as airport capacity, parental tears, and LinkedIn congestion.

The milestone, celebrated at a press conference featuring pie charts, forklifts, and the national anthem played at half-speed, represents a significant improvement over earlier forecasts, which had pessimistically assumed that only “a lot” of Filipinos would leave this year, rather than “an astonishing amount.”

Department of Migrant Workers (DMW) Undersecretary Jainal Rasul Jr. attributed the success to the Philippines’ core competitive advantages: scale, adaptability, and a population that has been preparing for overseas deployment since childhood.

“Other countries export machineries or electronics,” said Rasul, unveiling a flowchart titled End-to-End Citizen Logistics. “We export potential. Also nurses. Mostly nurses.”

“While other nations struggle with manufacturing bottlenecks," Rasul continued, “the Philippines continues to lead in scalable people solutions. Our citizens integrate seamlessly into foreign ecosystems, often within one fiscal quarter.”

2025 Philippines Export Ledger (Standardized, ISO-Compliant)

To streamline customs paperwork and soothe international auditors, DMW confirmed it used a uniform unit weight of 70kg per individual, regardless of profession, stress level, or number of degrees rendered temporarily useless by visa restrictions.

Saudi Arabia
29,400 metric tons (420,000 individuals)
Mostly medical technicians, engineers, and people told this was “character-building”.

United States
24,500 metric tons (350,000 individuals)
Healthcare workers, caregivers, and relatives of earlier shipments.

United Arab Emirates
21,700 metric tons (310,000 individuals)
Hospitality professionals and construction workers of other people’s skylines.

Japan
12,600 metric tons (180,000 individuals)
Care workers, technical interns, and people who know how to bow instinctively.

Singapore
11,200 metric tons (160,000 individuals)
Domestic workers and IT professionals sharing the same MRT.

Canada
17,500 metric tons (250,000 individuals)
Migrants selected via a points system that strongly favors patience.

Australia
7,700 metric tons (110,000 individuals)
Skilled laborers and hospitality workers mastering both coffee art and immigration law.

United Kingdom
6,650 metric tons (95,000 individuals)
NHS staff keeping the system alive one shift at a time.

TOTAL
131,250 metric tons (1,875,000 individuals)

Towards a sustainable future

DMW officials emphasized that remittances remain the primary measure of success. “As long as Filipinos keep making babies and money keeps flowing back, we consider the export program sustainable,” said another spokesperson, adding that homesickness is “not currently tracked as a metric.”

At press time, the DMW hinted at future diversification, including pilot programs to export Filipinos to new and emerging markets such as Antarctica, as well as value-added initiatives such as “emotionally resilient workers” with “enhanced family-separation coping skills.”

Officials confirmed there are currently no plans to reduce exports, citing “strong international demand” and “domestic surplus.”

For Christmas, Rich Christian Couple Care for Poor Street Children They Despise for the Rest of the Year

Mon, 08 Dec 2025 00:00:00 +0000

MANILA – Francis and Rosario Reyes, prominent Couples for Christ members and best known for their luxury home bible study group and aggressive “Campaign Against Loitering” in their New Manila neighborhood, have once again opened their estate this Christmas season to a carefully selected group of poor street children–the same ones they routinely glare at from their SUV every other month of the year.

With Jose Mari Chan’s Christmas in Our Hearts playing in the background, the Reyeses describe the annual event, now in its fifth year, as “a moving opportunity to remember those less fortunate for precisely one evening, between 6 and 9PM.”

“We really believe in living our faith out loud,” said Rosario, an obstetrician at St. Luke’s Medical Center. “And it’s important the children see the true meaning of Christmas–generosity, humility, and knowing their place in someone else’s Instagram story.”

Photo: Couples for Christ members show poor street children the spirit of Christmas.

Her husband Francis, head of F&R Construction, agreed, noting that the event had grown each year. “We’ve doubled supporters and attendance since we started. The trick is finding kids who look poor enough for photos, but not so poor that it makes the donors uncomfortable.”

He paused to gesture toward the handmade Christmas parol from Pampanga above their three-story faux fireplace. “We try to give them the full experience–warmth, food, a sense of family, and, most importantly, a clear reminder that all this is temporary.”

The Reyeses’ small charity, Kamay sa Puso (Hindi sa Pitaka), provides essential holiday experiences to disadvantaged youth, including hot chocolate, all the puto bumbong and bibingka they can eat, and a brief chance of being seen by other well-off Couples for Christ members who will absolutely forget their names by morning.

Asked if they ever consider maintaining contact with the children throughout the year, Rosario laughed. “My goodness, no. Charity is like lechon–you have to know when to stop before it becomes unhealthy.”

According to the couple, the yearly event has been a transformative experience–mostly for themselves. “Last year one of the boys thanked us before leaving,” said Francis, misty-eyed. “I realized, at that moment, that I am truly blessed to have all the riches I could possibly wring from my government flood-control projects. It was humbling.”

Online reaction to the Reyeses’ holiday gesture has been overwhelmingly positive, with dozens of Instagram users commenting “So inspiring!!!🙏🎉”, “This is the true spirit of Xmas!🎄🎅⛄”, and “This is what Jesus would do, probably, but in better lighting.”

One neighbor, who wished to remain anonymous, added: “It’s nice they open their doors for a few hours. I just wish they’d stop calling barangay officers on these same kids standing near their mansion gates in January.”

As the night ended and the children were gently ushered out to the streets where they belong, Rosario stood on her marble porch and reflected. “Every year I feel renewed,” she said softly. “We give them hope. And in return, they give us content.”

Do What The Fuck You Want To Public License (WTFPL) 3.0

Tue, 01 Apr 2025 00:00:00 +0000

DO WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT TO PUBLIC LICENSE (WTFPL)
              Version 3.0, April 2025

Copyright 2025 Leon Kidlat <https://kidl.at/wtfpl-3.0>

The material is provided without warranty of any kind,
subject to the terms and conditions below regarding its
use, reproduction, modification, distribution or sale:

       0. Just do what the fuck you want to.

What is WTFPL 3.0?

WTFPL 3.0 is a permissive license that lets anyone do what the fuck they want to do with a creative work or software licensed under it, without restrictions and conditions.

Images: WTFPL logo (png) and banner (SVG).

Structure of WTFPL 3.0

The provisions of WTFPL 3.0 are laid out in 10 short lines:

Line 1 specifies the name of the license and its abbreviation.
Line 2 specifies the version and when this particular version was written.
Line 4 specifies the copyright year, copyright holder, and contact (email or website).
Line 6 specifies that no warranty of any kind is provided.
Lines 7 and 8 specify the different ways that you may deal with the material.
Lastly, line 10 specifies the permitted conduct in dealing with the material.

01 DO WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT TO PUBLIC LICENSE (WTFPL)
02               Version 3.0, April 2025
03
04 Copyright 2025 Leon Kidlat <https://kidl.at/wtfpl-3.0>
05
06 The material is provided without warranty of any kind,
07 subject to the terms and conditions below regarding its
08 use, reproduction, modification, distribution or sale:
09
10        0. Just do what the fuck you want to.

How to use WTFPL 3.0

To use this license for your own work, you may do any of the following:

Copy the text above, edit the copyright year, name and email/website, and distribute it with your work. If necessary, replace “material” with “software” or something similar.
Download and edit the WTFPL 3.0 text file, rename it something like LICENSE.txt, and distribute it with your work.
Include something like “Licensed under WTFPL 3.0” with your work, and link to this page (https://kidl.at/wtfpl-3.0/).

What changed in version 3.0?

Version 3.0 is significantly different from the previous versions in the following manner:

The previous versions’ provision regarding the copying, modification and distribution of the license agreement has been omitted.
A no warranty clause has been added.

There have been two versions of WTFPL over the years. Version 1 was written by Banlu Kemiyatorn in 2000, and Sam Hocevar codified version 2 in 2004, more than 20 years ago.

WTFPL 1.0

do What The Fuck you want to Public License

Version 1.0, March 2000
Copyright (C) 2000 Banlu Kemiyatorn (]d).
136 Nives 7 Jangwattana 14 Laksi Bangkok
Everyone is permitted to copy and distribute verbatim copies
of this license document, but changing it is not allowed.

Ok, the purpose of this license is simple
and you just

DO WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT TO.

WTFPL 2.0

        DO WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT TO PUBLIC LICENSE 
                    Version 2, December 2004 

 Copyright (C) 2004 Sam Hocevar <sam@hocevar.net> 

 Everyone is permitted to copy and distribute verbatim or modified 
 copies of this license document, and changing it is allowed as long 
 as the name is changed. 

            DO WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT TO PUBLIC LICENSE 
   TERMS AND CONDITIONS FOR COPYING, DISTRIBUTION AND MODIFICATION 

  0. You just DO WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT TO.

An issue with both earlier versions is that you can’t do WTF you want to do with the license document, which sadly goes against the spirit, if not the text, of the license.

In Version 1, you can’t modify the license agreement.
In Version 2, you can’t modify the license agreement unless you change the name.

In version 3.0, the provision regarding the license document has been deleted altogether. Because if you can do WTF you want to do with the material/software, why the fuck can’t you do what you want to do with the license agreement?

Finally, a no warranty clause has been added to make WTFPL compatible to use with software, in case someone fucks up by using your code.

Kidlat News is WTFPL 3.0

Kidlat News content used to be licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International.

Not anymore.

It is now under WTFPL 3.0. That means you may still steal our stories as before, but you don’t even need to acknowledge where you stole it anymore. Heck, you can even duplicate the whole Kidlat News site in another URL and call it your own.

Just do what the fuck you want.

The Definitive Timeline of Philippine History

Mon, 25 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Colony of Spain for more than three hundred years and of America for another fifty, the Philippines has had less than a hundred years to put its house in order on its own.

Here is a comprehensive timeline of Philippine history to understand how we have come to this glorious mess.

Download the PDF: The Definitive Timeline of Philippine History

Pre-Colonial Period
Spanish Rule (with Nationalist Movement subsection)
American Rule
Japanese Occupation
Independence

Pre-Colonial Period (Prehistory-1521)

50,000 BCE Mrs. Homo luzonensis, a pygmy lady who lives in a muggy cave in northern Cagayan Valley, nags her husband incessantly for more fruits and nuts to eat, and a nice little bungalow to live in.
40,000 BCE Escaping the tiger-infested jungles of southern China, Nognog and his Negrito clan arrive on the islands after paddling across the Batanes Strait. They find the islands’ jungles relatively pleasant, with only giant centipedes and pythons to deal with.
20,000 BCE Mr. Tabon man prepares a tasty meal of roasted bats and tarsier head soup just outside his cave in southern Palawan while watching the spectacular sunset of the West Philippine Sea marred by Chinese Coast Guard boats on the horizon.
3,000 BCE Standing on the coast of mainland Asia, Moana and her Austronesian kin embark on a great journey to colonize each and every speck of land in Southeast Asia and the Pacific. The most lethargic and least adventurous of them settle on the first islands they see: the Philippine archipelago.
800 CE Hindu-Buddhist barangay of Tondo is founded on the northern shores of Pasig River in Luzon. The settlers later build the fabled Smokey Mountain, the biggest landfill in the Srivijayan Empire where territories near and far can dump their trash.
900 CE Frustrated by the native islanders’ propensity to forget their debts, moped-riding Bumbays introduce the Brahmic writing script Kawi to the islands to have a record of who owes what.
1240 Arab traders introduce the trendy new religion of Islam to Sulu, where it spread throughout the archipelago. Native Filipinos who keep several wives and slaves now have a convenient religious justification for it.
1258 Muslim principality of Manila is founded on the southern shores of Pasig River. The name comes from the manila folders and envelopes which grow on manila trees abundant in the area, trade in which brings modest prosperity to the fledgling settlement.
1367 Bored with the Kawi alphabet, literary snobs in Luzon invent the Baybayin script so they can have nice, decorative letters to use for tattoos and logos that uncouth natives can’t read.

Spanish Rule (1521-1898)

Uninvited, and with the help of cannons, guns and bayonets, the Spanish persuade the islanders to abandon their heathen ways and embrace Jesus Christ’s message of peace. They also do some killing, stealing, land-grabbing, raping and torturing on the side when Jesus is not looking.

1521 March Out of nowhere, explorer Ferdinand Magellan lands on Limasawa Island in Southern Leyte and invites the natives to a bible study. The natives have no idea what on Earth is going on but they join anyway because there are free snacks.
1521 April Unaware of what nasty germs the Europeans carry and ignoring basic hygiene practices, Rajah Humabon of Cebu performs the blood compact with Magellan and promptly goes down with smallpox. In a fit of fever-induced delirium, he trades two of his wives in return for some trinkets.
1521 April Datu Lapulapu, fed up with Magellan’s Christian bullshit, hacks him to death when he lands on Mactan Island. Magellan’s maggot-infested corpse makes the first circumnavigation of the globe when it reaches Spain on September the following year.
1543 Chess-player-turned-explorer Ruy Lopez de Villalobos arrives and promptly gets lost around the islands until his starving crew have to resort to eating grubs and nasty plants that sicken them to no end. Delirious and near death, he names the islands Felipinas after his favorite snack Filipinos, a biscuit doughnut whose chocolate coating resembles the color of the natives’ skins.
1564 Spain tries again and sends Miguel Lopez de Legazpi of Albay with four ships and hundreds of men to herd their erring flock in Cebu, who have already forgotten they have been Spanish subjects ever since Rajah Humabon’s silly blood compact with Magellan.
1565 Boholano snitch Datu Sikatuna happily points Legazpi in the direction of Cebu, where Humabon’s cousin Rajah Tupas contemplates a half-arsed resistance against the Spaniards before eventually signing the “Treaty of Cebu Is All Yours” with Legazpi.
1570 Legazpi sends Martin de Goiti to Manila to get hold of manila folders to organize the growing mountain of files in his office. De Goiti and his men burn the place to the ground before returning to Cebu empty-handed.
1571 Raring to tour Europe, Rajah Sulayman, Rajah Matanda, and Lakandula welcome Legazpi to Manila and proclaim themselves Spanish subjects, so they can have Spanish passports and apply for a Schengen visa.
1574 Famished after months of seafaring and pirating, Chinese corsair Limahong raids Manila for some decent fried rice and dim sum. He runs amok after finding nothing but sinigang and pinakbet.
1593 The Dominicans print the Doctrina Christiana, the first ever publication in the islands. Later, they also secretly print the country’s first erotic novel Biag ni Lam-ang which they only share among themselves.
1600 The Igorots, who came to the islands when nobody was watching, begin building the rice terraces in the Cordilleras. They immediately apply for inclusion as UNESCO World Heritage Site.
1603 In what is now known as the Sangley Rebellion, the Spanish massacre some 20,000 Chinese residents of Manila because they all look suspiciously like Limahong and they hate that sonofabitch.
1611 Miguel de Benavides establishes the University of Santo Tomas, the first university in Asia where exorcism is taught. Other subjects include Latin, Astrology, Alchemy and Wet Nursing.
1615 The first batch of nurses graduate from the University of Santo Tomas. They board the first ship out of Manila to migrate to the UK.
1763 Gabriela Silang founds the first feminist and LGBTQ+ movement in the Philippines. The Spanish, who are very conservative, have her permanently cancelled.
1814 Mount Mayon violently erupts, disrupting hiking activities in the Bicol Region. The resulting ashfall buries thousands of Bicolanos, who are notoriously slow walkers.
1829 Dagohoy Revolt in Bohol, the longest rebellion against Spanish rule in Philippine history, ends after the rebels get lost inside the Chocolate Hills.
1838 Francisco Balagtas publishes the epic Florante at Laura. It is panned by critics who don’t have the slightest idea where the country of Albania is, but the steamy movie adaptation starring Leopoldo Salcedo and Celia Flor is a big hit.
1861 A complete set of Kapre skeleton is unearthed in Bambang, Nueva Viscaya, prompting a rethinking of evolutionary biology.

Filipino Nationalist Movement (1872-1898)

After 300 years under Spanish yoke, Filipinos come to realize that they can probably do the oppression of their fellow countrymen just as well as their European colonizers, maybe even better.

Photo: Filipino priests Gomez, Burgos and Zamora, who are almost never seen apart.

1872 Petty Spanish authorities execute the Filipino priests Mariano Gomez, Jose Burgos, and Jacinto Zamora for having a corny portmanteau (Gomburza), which Filipino schoolchildren use as mnemonic for pop quizzes.
1878 The Sultan of Sulu leases Sabah to the British North Borneo Company, who assured him they will return the territory after “just a couple of years, cross our hearts and hope to die.”
1884 Inspired by Titian’s Rape of Europa, Juan Luna’s gigantic Spoliarium wins the “Best Effort Award” at the Exposición Nacional de Bellas Artes in Madrid. Luna used up all his oil paints in this work he didn’t have material left to ever paint again.
1887 Jose Rizal publishes the subversive novel Noli Me Tangere, earning him the ire of Spanish authorities, and of high school students everywhere who are then required to submit a book report about it.
1891 Ignoring the universally negative reception of his earlier novel, Rizal tries again and publishes its equally bad but more action-packed sequel El Filibusterismo, featuring more sexy scenes and car chases.
1892 Andres Bonifacio and other Ilustrados found the Katipunan, a secret organization whose aim is to overthrow the ruling Spanish and take their place in oppressing the Indios.
1892 Rizal returns to the Philippines from Spain and is immediately exiled to Dapitan, just behind the Thomas Aquinas building of UST.
1893 Tiburcio Kidlat publishes the first Philippine newspaper Ang Kidlat, aiming to shine a spotlight on the vices, follies and abuses of the ruling Spanish. He is promptly arrested and shot.
1896 August Bonifacio, Emilio Jacinto and other Katipuneros horribly realize that they have torn up their cedula by mistake instead of their grocery receipts, prompting the Cry of Pugadlawin, aka the Cry of Balintawak (there is so much wailing and crying on this day that nobody remembers to make a note of where exactly it happens).
1896 December High school students throughout the country cheer as Spanish authorities finally execute Rizal by firing squad at Bagumbayan for writing exceedingly bad novels that everybody hated.
1897 March Emilio Aguinaldo, the original Trapo, displays exemplary statesmanship at the Tejeros Convention by rigging the Philippines’ first ever presidential election, ensuring his leadership of the revolutionary government. He caps it off by having Bonifacio executed for treason when the latter disputes the result.
1897 December Spanish authorities sign the Pact of Biak-na-Bato, creating a truce and rewarding the Filipinos’ revolutionary efforts with an all-expense-paid holiday to Hong Kong for Aguinaldo and his men.
1898 April The Americans, feeling left out of the European-led conquering and colonizing activities and casting covetous eyes on Cuba and the Philippines, declares war on Spain.
1898 May Freshly rested, Aguinaldo and his men return to Cavite carrying a knock-off Sint Maarten flag they bought from Alibaba and a shipful of stuffed toys from Hong Kong Disneyland.
1898 June Aguinaldo declares Philippine independence from Spain, forgetting about the Americans who transported him back to the country from Hong Kong and who are now secretly negotiating with the Spaniards to seize the islands for themselves.
1898 June Fifty Spanish soldiers barricade themselves in a church in Baler, Quezon to shoot the movie 1898, Our Last Men in the Philippines, which will later win the Goya Awards for best costume.

American Rule (1898-1946)

Americans muscle in and assume the role of mentoring their Little Brown Brothers–after they massacre some of them first.

1898 August Cosplaying Spanish and US soldiers stage the mock Battle of Manila using wooden swords and papier-mâché shields, after which Spain surrenders Intramuros to the US, avoiding the humiliation of waving the white flag to the Filipino revolutionaries besieging the capital.
1898 October Manila Times publishes its first issue. Columnist Rigoberto Tiglao lambasts the Spanish and Americans and urge the Katipuneros to throw their lot with the Chinese.
1899 February Filipino cosplayers armed with squirt guns engage the American soldiers in Manila, but were fired upon with real bullets, starting the Philippine-American War.
1899 June Men loyal to Aguinaldo assassinate Antonio Luna in Cabanatuan City. Rumor has it that Luna is loathed by Aguinaldo, who has always wanted to grow a bushy mustache but can’t.
1899 December Boy General Gregorio Del Pilar, who is only seven at the time, is killed in the Battle of Tirad Pass against the Americans.

Photo: Boy General Gregorio del Pilar, 7, riding a wooden horse at Tirad Pass.

1901 Through an elaborate ruse involving dancing clowns from Macabebe, Pampanga, US forces capture Aguinaldo, who proclaims he was on the Americans’ side all along.
1907 Americans trick Macario Sakay and his heavy metal band Tagalog Republic into performing in Cavite, and arrest all members when they can’t play kundiman songs. Sakay is eventually hanged and buried with his beloved Kirk Hammett signature ESP guitar.
1908 University of the Philippines is established in Manila. The first batch of students cut classes and stage demonstrations on Taft Avenue shouting “Down with the US-Aguinaldo dictatorship! Asia for Asians!”
1939 Anticipating the likes of such brilliant leaders as Ferdinand Marcos, Joseph Estrada and Rodrigo Duterte, strangely prescient President Manuel Quezon declares “I would rather have a government run like hell by Filipinos than a government run like heaven by Americans.”
1941 Maiden flight of Philippine Airlines, Asia’s first national carrier, from Manila to Baguio is delayed for more than three hours while the crew frantically search for and wake up the severely hungover pilot.

Japanese Occupation (1941-1945)

Japan entice Filipinos to join its glorious Greater East Asia Co-Prosperity Sphere by bayonetting everyone to submission.

1941 Japanese troops land in the Philippines, giving the Filipinos their first taste of kawaii Hello Kitty toys and hentai porn. Filipinos opposed to deviant pornography retreat to Corregidor Island to make a last stand.
1942 General Douglas MacArthur evades his ninja assassins and escapes to Australia, uttering the iconic words “Sayonara, bitches.”
1942 The Fall of Bataan is followed by the gruelling Takeshi’s Death March, during which Filipino and American prisoners march nonstop on their way to Takeshi’s Castle while avoiding obstacles and dodging bayonets. Those who get stabbed are eliminated.
1944 General Tomoyuki Yamashita buries 10,000 Pokéballs all over the country and dares the Filipinos to try find them all. Those who can’t are bayonetted on the spot.

Photo: Godzilla destroys downtown Quiapo in Manila.

1945 Awakened by the atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, a disoriented Godzilla mistakenly lumbers to Manila and reduces the city to rubble instead of Tokyo.
1946 Yamashita is hanged by the American weaboos occupying Manila after he fails to locate the Pokéballs buried under the enormous piles of debris covering the city.

Independence (1946-present)

Unshackled from foreign intervention, Filipinos finally get free rein to run the country like hell.

1946 US dumps high-school sweetheart Philippines for hot but neurotic Japan, leaving the Filipinos alone to clean up their gigantic mess. Japan gives 100,000 brooms and 50,000 mops as war reparation.
1950 Hundreds of Philippine soldiers join the American-led forces in the Korean War. They return home later with PTSD and a severe addiction to Korean dramas.
1957 Popular President Ramon Magsaysay dies in a plane crash. Investigations reveal that the pilot was playing Manhole on a Nintendo Game & Watch while manning the plane’s controls.
1965 Election of President Ferdinand Marcos, descendant of Ferdinand Magellan, ushers the Golden Age, during which the ruling elite enrich themselves by plundering the country’s gold reserves and all the national wealth that they can get their hands on.
1967 Finally caving in to the Philippines’ nonstop badgering, Thailand, Singapore, Malaysia and Indonesia agree to form the Association of Southeast Asian Nations (ASEAN) just to shut her up. The Philippines immediately proposes paluwagan to her new best friends.
1968 Jose Maria Sison founds the Communist Party of the Philippines (CPP) whose aim is to distribute the growing misery equally among the Filipino bourgeoisie and proletariat alike.
1969 Bernabe Buscayno organizes the New People’s Army (NPA), the CPP’s armed wing, to give their message of communist dystopia more bite.
1971 Nur Misuari and Muslim leaders in Mindanao establish the Moro National Liberation Front (MNLF), aiming to create a separate Islamic country in southern Philippines where they can do the exploiting of their fellow Muslims instead of the Christian leaders in Manila.
1972 Super robots Voltes V and Mazinger Z attack Manila with the help of local Filipino communist cadres; President Marcos declares Martial Law to repel the invaders.
1973 First Lady Imelda Marcos buys her 37th pair of Hermes shoes in Paris, telling her husband “This is the last, dear, I promise.”
1974 Philippines discovers a virtually inexhaustible commodity for trade: Filipinos. Marcos creates government agencies to select the most suitable varieties for export, first to the Middle East, then to the rest of the world.

Photo: Filipinos selected for export to Vietnam aboard Philippine Airlines.

1974 Hiroo Onoda, the first-ever hikikomori, comes out of his cave and surrenders in Lubang Island, Mindoro. His hideout reveals World War II-era rifles, discarded cups of instant ramen, and a massive collection of manga.
1976 Imelda Marcos and Muammar Gaddafi stage a week-long bed-in in the Libyan capital to protest the ongoing conflict in Muslim Mindanao, resulting in the Tripoli Agreement, whereby they encourage the feuding parties to “make love, not war.”
1977 Mae Anne Padolina, the first Japayuki, departs for the Land of the Rising Sun to perform tinikling and maglalatik for cultural events. Tens of thousand others enroll in folk dance classes.
1978 Folk-singer Freddie Aguilar releases the iconic song “Anak Ka Ng Ina Mo” which is then shortened to “Anak” for marketing purposes. It is eventually translated and sung to a billion languages.
1980 Action-fantasy film Ang Panday starring Fernando Poe, Jr. debuts on IMAX theaters, sporting cutting-edge CGI and 4D-surround sound.
1981 Giant mechs and communist rebels successfully repelled, President Marcos lifts Martial Law.
1983 A motley crue of NPA hitmen, military SWAT soldiers and CIA operatives assassinate Senator Benigno “Ninoy” Aquino Jr. from fifty different angles after the deducing the airport where his plane will land from his name.
1986 Marcos ally General Favian Ver erupts with jealous rage after he discovers racy love letters between Defense Secretary Juan Ponce Enrile and RAM leader Gregorio Honasan. He orders them arrested but the lovers elope to Camp Crame on EDSA.
1986 Trapped in a massive traffic in EDSA highway, tens of thousands of commuters decide to leave their buses and walk home, clogging the highway and accidentally triggering the People Power Revolution that drive President Marcos from power. Corazon “Heart” Aquino becomes president.
1991 Using their highly advanced observation and deduction skills, scientists at the Philippine Institute of Volcanology and Seismology (PHILVOCS) accurately predict the imminent eruption of Mt. Pinatubo after observing the volcano shoot a massive ash column 20km into the atmosphere.

Photo: Mount Pinatubo shoots massive ash column, prompting PHILVOCS scientists to declare imminent eruption.

1994 Philippines makes its first connection to the Internet when an employee of the Philippine Network Foundation downloads a topless photo of Tracy Lords from a server in CERN.
2001 Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, the country’s first president-cum-part-time-nanny, takes office. She works at the Malacanang Palace Monday to Friday, then flies to Hong Kong on weekends to perform her domestic duties.
2006 Fresh from conquering Mount Makiling, Filipino mountaineer Leo Oracion makes history as the first person to summit Mount Everest dressed in flipflops and tank tops. He loses only seven fingers and nine toes in the process.
2010 The Manila Hostage Crisis inside a tourist bus comes to a successful end when members of an elite SWAT team shoot the hostage-taker and all the hostages that are not already dead.
2012 Philippines lodges strong protest to China after it discovers several Chinese Coast Guard ships dragging Scarborough Shoal from its usual location near Zambales to a site just 10km from Hainan Island.
2013 The Department of Education introduces the K-12 Program through which basic education that can be taught in 10 years is stretched to 12 to enable Filipino schoolchildren to have more time each day for Facebook.
2015 The National Mapping and Resource Information Authority announces it has finally located the 400 islands that the country feared were lost after they were blown away by typhoon Yolanda.
2016 President Rodrigo Duterte announces an all-out War on Drugs and orders the police to shoot on sight all kinds of illicit substances wherever they see them, even while being smoked, injected or snorted by users. Tens of thousands of Filipinos die from stray bullets.
2022 The Philippines’ second Golden Age begins after 31 million survivors of Duterte’s War on Drugs, blissfully stoned, elect Ferdinand “Bongbong” Marcos, Jr. as president in a landslide.

Pepito Pounds Philippines; Sixth Pounding This Month For Already Sore Country

Sun, 17 Nov 2024 00:00:00 +0000

MANILA – Super typhoon Pepito pounded the Philippines on Saturday while the country is already feeling sore after repeated poundings by five other tropical storms this month.

Packing wind speeds of 195kmh and gusts of up to 325kmh as it battered the Philippines’ vulnerable eastern side, Pepito brought more soreness to the already suffering country.

Pepito is the sixth typhoon to assault disaster-weary Philippines in a month, after the country has already suffered successive humiliation from Kristine, Leon, Marce, Nika and Ofel.

“It’s a catastrophe,” President Marcos lamented at his weekly press conference. “It’s obscene the way these cyclones take turns hammering our country. But there’s nothing we can do but bend over and deal with it.”

Typhoons are an annual scourge for the Philippines but human-caused climate change has increased their intensity and penetrative power as oceans warm, causing more pain and soreness than usual.

Satellite photo: Super typhoon Pepito just before pounding the Philippines

“Life’s a bitch, especially if you live in this country,” says environment activist Jason Lagdameo, professor of Earth Science at De La Salle University.

“It’s an unfortunate fact of geography that the Philippines lies directly on the path of tropical cyclones. However, endemic corruption in the government has made their effect on our communities much worse. Our politicians’ inaction in the face of these indignities borders on masochism.”

Typhoon Kristine Routs Philippines in Landslide Win

Sat, 26 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

MANILA – Despite hopeful expectations from Filipino spectators that the Philippines would come out of this match with a vital draw, Kristine’s offensive combination of gale-force winds and torrential rain proved too devastating for the home team, resulting in a landslide win for the visiting severe tropical cyclone.

With this result, the Philippines’ record against typhoons now stands at a disappointing 0 Wins, 4 Draws, and 421 Losses, with a total of 425 matches played since 1974 when PAGASA first started tabulating scores.

Attracting little attention when it emerged in a low-pressure area in the Philippine Sea west of Guam on October 19, Kristine first drew concern from PAGASA when it entered the Philippines’ area of responsibility as a tropical depression two days later to challenge the island nation to a match.

Graphic: Severe tropical storm Kristine tore through the Philippine island of Luzon

Lacking any meaningful offensive power against weather phenomena, Team Philippines’ defensive play relies heavily on its much vaunted Sierra Madre, a phalanx of mountains that runs north-south across its main island of Luzon protecting its eastern flanks, and its much publicized recent investments in flood-control measures backed by a budget of PHP182 billion in 2023 and PHP244 billion in 2024.

However, aided by a warming Pacific Ocean caused by climate change, by October 23 Kristine had morphed into a severe tropical cyclone which threatened the archipelago with fierce winds, powerful storm surges and record rainfall.

After initial probing feints along Luzon’s eastern flank, Kristine finally broke through the lightly defended province of Isabela in northern Luzon, and later overwhelmed token resistance throughout the archipelago with its furious winds and heavy rainfall bringing widespread destruction and flooding.

Team Philippines’ manager Bongbong Marcos cut an isolated figure when he conceded defeat early on during the first hours of the match saying he felt “a little helpless” in the face of Kristine’s unstoppable onslaught.

By then, much of the Philippines’ defenses have already capitulated, beaten down by 110kmh winds and flooded by up to 3 meters of water in many places.

Photo: Flooded rice fields in Naga, Camarines Sur

On the morning of October 24, Kristine and its entourage finally left the defeated nation after a 24-hour rampage that left dozens dead, millions more displaced and billions of pesos in damage.

The painful loss exposed yet again Team Philippines’ familiar failings against its perennial adversary, its inadequate match preparations and costly defensive errors proving decisive despite its home field advantage. It also calls into question whether Marcos is the right manager to lead the team out of its seemingly permanent rut.

Notwithstanding earlier promises to strengthen its defense, the country’s flood-control measures were nowhere to be found, despite billions of pesos allotted for their budget. Continued deforestation not only in Sierra Madre but throughout the archipelago had also weakened the already fragile defenses against rain and flooding.

Despite his obvious faults, however, pundits agree that sacking Marcos would probably matter little in the long run, and that the team’s problems are structural, requiring painful reforms and decades-long investment in expensive defense and flood-control mechanisms.

But after yet another humiliating loss–47th in a row–even ardent supporters, many still drenched in rain, have begun to wonder when enough is enough.

Philippines Exported Record 129,600 Tons of Filipinos in 2023, DTI Figures Show

Thu, 24 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

MAKATI CITY – According to the latest statistics from the Department of Trade and Industry (DTI), the Philippines exported a record 129,600 tons of Filipinos in 2023, roughly equivalent to 2,160,000 individuals (at 60kg/individual), generating a total of PhP239 billion in revenue.

Filipinos remain by far the Philippines top export, followed by electrical machinery and equipment (including computers), ores and metals, and fruits and nuts.

“The Philippines continues to lead the world in the export of high-grade Filipinos,” said DTI Secretary Ma. Cristina Roque. “No other country comes close.”

“By leveraging our strengths as a nation in the fields of childbearing and English education, we will continue to be able to satisfy the worldwide demand for highly skilled, competitively priced Filipinos.”

Of the total volume of exported Filipinos, 72,000 tons (roughly 1.2 million individuals) were of the female variety, and the remaining 57,600 tons (about 960,000 individuals) were of the male variety.

Figure: Export of Filipinos worldwide and in Asia in 2023

By region, the leading export destinations of Filipinos are Asia (77.4%), North and South America (9.8%) and Europe (8.4%).

Among Asian countries, Saudi Arabia imported the largest volume of Filipinos at 25,900 tons, accounting for 20 percent of the total, followed by United Arab Emirates (17,600 tons) and Kuwait (8,400 million tons).

Despite rosy projections by Secretary Roque, however, the Philippines still has a large inventory of excess Filipinos carried over from the Covid pandemic, when worldwide trade in Filipinos fell.

Unsubstantiated reports suggest the country is seeking to offload its surplus stock at discounted prices to either Russia or North Korea for use in these countries’ defense industries, although Roque denies the DTI has those plans in the pipeline.

We Don't Need a Divorce Law in the Philippines

Sun, 20 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Passing a divorce law in the Philippines is a really bad idea. Here’s why:

We will lose our prestigious title as The Only Country Besides the Vatican Where Divorce is Illegal™. Think about that for a second before you babble about gender equality and all that nonsense.
You’re not a Muslim, are you?
Just go and see the doctor to cover up those bruises from last night’s fight. It’s so much cheaper (not to mention quicker) than going through a divorce. Try not to raise your voice next time.
You are your husband’s property, like his oxen and donkeys. You didn’t know that, did you? Ignorance is no excuse; read up on the Bible and educate yourself.
That guy at work you think you could hook up with after you divorce your husband? I bet he’s a bigger asshole that your current spouse.
Have you tried marriage counseling? Confessing your sins? Putting a portrait of Jesus or Mother Mary in your bedroom?
Maybe you’re just a selfish bitch.

University of the Philippines Study Finds 8 Out of 10 Panay Islanders Have Aswang DNA

Sat, 19 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

LOS BAÑOS, Laguna – 78 percent of residents of Panay Island in the provinces of Aklan, Antique, Capiz and Iloilo have Aswang DNA, according to a recent study by researchers from the University of the Philippines in Los Baños entitled “DNA Sequencing and Analysis of Panay Island Population” published in the latest issue of Nature.

The latest study was made possible after a team from Ateneo de Manila University conducted the first complete Aswang genome sequencing in 2008.

The Aswangs (Homo aswangis) are an extinct group of archaic humans who lived in the island of Panay until about 20,000 years ago. Possibly related to Homo luzonensis, their remains–canine teeth and bone fragments–were discovered in 1977 in Langub Cave in Dumalag, Capiz.

“Scientists broadly agree that after the arrival of modern humans to the Philippine archipelago some 40,000 to 50,000 years ago, Homo aswangis and modern humans continued to co-exist for thousands of years in Panay Island,” said lead researcher Margie dela Cruz, professor of anthropology at UP Los Baños.

“The Aswangs were eventually displaced and became extinct, but not before interbreeding with the modern Austronesian humans who spoke proto-Hiligaynon and whose descendants now inhabit the islands. Our study shows that Austronesian-Aswang interbreeding in Panay Island was fairly common as reflected in the DNA of its modern inhabitants.”

Researchers have long believed that the Aswangs’ nocturnal nature, aversion to sunlight and exclusive diet of animal viscera played a big role in their failure to compete with Homo sapiens. Other factors are the destruction of their forest habitat, lack of immunity to diseases brought by modern humans, and increased food competition with the newcomers.

The Spanish colonizers of the Philippines have recorded numerous reports from locals of Aswang sightings in remote parts of Panay Island since the 1600s but these have not been fully substantiated. In many instances the reports portray the Aswangs as vampire-like creatures, sucking the blood and entrails of animals and other human beings with their long proboscis-like tongues.

Illustration: Artist reconstruction from canine and bone fragments of an Aswang (Homo aswangis) in the forest of Panay Island.

However, according to Professor Dela Cruz, even if the stories were true, these stragglers could not have survived for very long as Aswangs were reportedly easily weakened or killed by holy water and crucifixes brought to the islands by the Christian colonizers.

An interesting result of the study also reveals that members of families of political dynasties on the island that belong to the highest socioeconomic class have an exceptionally high percentage–as much as 20 percent–of Aswang DNA compared to the local population.

The cause of this is presently unknown and may be a subject of further research, but Professor Dela Cruz surmises that this finding reflects the propensity of politicians and other affluent landowners in Panay Island to suck their constituents dry, much like their ancient ancestors with whom they share a large portion of their DNA.

Senators Sotto, Dela Rosa Introduce Bill to Change 'Lupang Hinirang' to 'Bayang Magiliw'

Tue, 08 Oct 2024 00:00:00 +0000

QUEZON CITY – “The name of our national anthem is Bayang Magiliw, not Lupang Hinirang,” declared Senator Tito Sotto (in Filipino) at the joint press conference with Senator Ronald dela Rosa on Monday. “You know it, we know it, and all grade-school children all over the country know it.”

The two senators introduced a bill on Tuesday that would legally change the name of the Philippine national anthem from Lupang Hinirang (Chosen Land) to Bayang Magiliw (Beloved Country). “Bayang Magiliw” are the first two words of the marching song that is massacred by schoolchildren throughout the country at the flag ceremony every morning.

Photo: Senators Tito Sotto and Ronald dela Rosa

“Four score and seven years ago our national heroes brought forth on this continent, a new nation,” continued Senator Sotto, “Conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. But one of them clearly messed up the title of the national anthem when it was translated into Tagalog from the original Spanish. That guy should have been shot together with Bonifacio.”

“Our bill would not only correct this unfortunate historical wrong; it would also stop the needless ridicule that comes the way of countless schoolchildren–not to mention politicians–who know our beloved anthem by the only name it should be called: Bayang Magiliw.”

“Only insufferable snots in their ivory towers call it Lupang Hinirang, but the name should really have been Bayang Magiliw from the start,” explained Senator Dela Rosa. “Let me illustrate my point. Esteemed Senator Sotto, would you kindly do us a favor and sing our national anthem?”

“Certainly,” replied Sotto. “Ahem… Bayang magiliw, perlas ng silang…”

“See?!!” Dela Rosa ejaculated. “Did anyone hear the words “Lupang Hinirang” somewhere? If that is not yet obvious enough to everyone, the name is unmistakably, indisputably, “Bayang Magiliw,” and anyone who says otherwise is a dumbass, and most likely a communist.”

Sotto then concluded the press conference with an eloquent plea (in Filipino) for the name change:

“These are the words I will leave you with: few will have the greatness to bend history, but each of us can act, no matter how small, to change the course of events. Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to correct history’s wrongs, or strikes out against snobbery, we create small movements. When these small movements come together, they form a powerful force which can sweep down even the mightiest walls of resistance. Let us get this name change over; our future children will thank us years down the road for our vision and foresight.”

If the “Bayang Magiliw Bill” is signed into law, anyone caught using the name Lupang Hinirang would face a fine of 1,000 pesos and 50 lashings, and be forced to sing the national anthem 1,000 times in front of a government building as punishment.

Catholic Church Relents, Okays Divorce When One Party is Deceased

Sun, 29 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

QUEZON CITY – In a major victory for divorce proponents in the Philippines, the influential Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines has agreed to drop its objection to couples divorcing when one of them is already dead, paving the way for passing the long-awaited Divorce Law in the country.

The Philippines and the Vatican are the only two countries in the world that has no law regarding divorce procedures for married couples.

Divorce in the Philippines is absolutely forbidden even in death and women whose husbands died are required by law to be buried together with their deceased spouses, while husbands have often escaped this legal requirement by bribing corrupt local officials.

According to its text, the Divorce Bill is meant to liberate women from abusive relationships and help them “regain their dignity and avoid an untimely demise” in case their husbands die before them.

Bowing to public pressure, the Catholic Church’s acquiescence has been hailed by women’s rights advocates throughout the country even as conservative lawmakers and religious groups vow to continue the fight against the divorce bill that is making its way through the House of Representatives.

“This is a big victory for women’s liberation,” said Cecille Goldberg-Cuenco, leader of the lobby group Divorce-4-Filipinos. “But we still have a long way to go until absolute equality.”

Photo: Senator Francis Escudero argues against divorce.

Senator Francis Escudero, a vocal proponent of wives being buried with their deceased husbands, has repeatedly warned that the bill will increase spousal homicide, as desperate women might take the law into their own hands and devise ways to kill their husbands to escape abusive marriages.

“We already have marriage annulment laws in the Philippines,” explained Escudero. “Women throughout the country already have access to this legal procedure to leave abusive relationships. Of course, the annulment process should be finalized before their husbands die. Otherwise, they will have no choice but to join their spouses in their journey to the afterlife.”

Olympian Carlos Yulo Makes Peace With Mom, Gifts Her Lifetime Supply of Cotton Buds

Sun, 22 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

QUEZON CITY – Carlos Yulo, who clinched two gold medals for the Philippines at the Paris Olympics, has offered to end his much publicized rift with his mother by gifting her the lifetime supply of cotton buds awarded to him by Mercury Drug.

After finishing first in the men’s floor and vault competitions in the Paris Olympics, Yulo received 20 billion pesos from various branches of the Philippine government, a 60-story condominium building in Makati from Manny Villar, free Philippine Airlines flights for life, a Toyota Land Cruiser, a lifetime supply of ramen, and untold other prizes and awards.

Photo: two-time Olympic gold medallist Carlos Yulo

However, Yulo’s historic achievement has been marred by a highly public feud with his mother, whom he has accused of spending his money without his approval.

But it did not take long for the soft-spoken Olympian, known to his friends and acquaintances for his generosity and kindness, for a change of heart regarding his estranged parent.

“Despite our misunderstandings, my mom is still a very important person in my life,” said Yulo during an interview with Kidlat News. “That is why I am giving her my lifetime supply of cotton buds as a sign of my earnestness to patch things up.”

“Of all the awards that I have received,” added the Olympian, “the Mercury Drug premium cotton buds made from natural fibers is one I highly appreciate because they are super effective in cleaning my ears after I shower after each gymnastics practice. I hope my mom will appreciate them as much as I do.”

Yulo has yet to make up his mind if he will give her his lifetime supply of dental floss as well.

Philippines Mandates Universal USB-C Charger to Spur Battery Electric Vehicles Adoption

Mon, 16 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

MANILA – In a bid to accelerate the adoption of battery electric vehicles (BEV) in the country and reduce waste, the Philippine government introduced a new law on Wednesday that will require car companies to ensure that every BEV sold in the Philippines in 2026 will use the USB-C port to charge its batteries, the same standard port used on mobile phones, tablets and cameras.

Photo: Tesla vs USB-C charger

The law addresses the most common concerns of consumers against electric cars: lack of charging infrastructure, slow charging times and range anxiety.

When the new law comes to effect in 2026, all electric cars in the Philippines will be able to be charged from any house, restaurant or cafe using standard USB-C cables. They can even be charged while being driven on the road with any USB-C power bank available from online stores.

Tesla, the biggest BEV manufacturer in world, however, warned that the use of USB-C in electric cars would stifle innovation, increase charging times, and boost the amount of e-waste.

The new law, which was unanimously approved by the Philippine senate, will eliminate the need for different cables to charge different devices and vehicles, thus reducing waste.

“You will be able to use same USB-C cable to charge your Xiaomi smartphone as well as your Tesla,” explained Transportation Secretary Jaime Bautista at the press conference after the new requirement’s announcement. “Charge your Cybertruck while sipping your cappuccino at Starbucks. Don’t forget to bring a very long cable for that though.”

Filipinos Invite Jehovah's Wrath by Persecuting Apollo Quiboloy, the Son of God

Sun, 08 Sep 2024 00:00:00 +0000

MANILA – As if crushing poverty, rampant crime, environmental disasters and Senator Robin Padilla are not enough, Filipinos risk further divine punishment coming their way by needlessly persecuting the Son of Jehovah, popularly known as Apollo Quiboloy.

Quiboloy has been arrested in Davao City by agents of the Philippine National Police Monday and is set to be arraigned on a number of charges which his disciples denounced as trumped-up accusations, such as subverting state power and tax evasion, the most serious of which–blasphemy by claiming to be the “Owner of the Universe”–carries a penalty of death by crucifixion.

Philippine presidential spokesperson Martin Andanar announced the charges in Malacañang Palace in Manila, capital of this godforsaken country.

Quiboloy is also wanted by the FBI for sex trafficking, fraud, money laundering and indecent exposure, and he may yet be rearrested and extradited to the US after his crucifixion and expected resurrection after three days, just before he makes his escape by ascending to heaven.

The troubled younger brother of megachurch founder Jesus Christ has been living among the wretched in the Philippines since the 1950s, sent to this hellhole by Jehovah to save the Filipinos from their sinful ways and corruption.

Image: Apollo Quiboloy FBI Most Wanted poster

His earthly mission has been cut short, however, when he was recently betrayed to the US, the Great Satan, by President Bongbong Marcos for 30,000 pieces of silver.

If convicted and given the death penalty, the second Son of God will be stripped and flogged, forced to carry his cross through the filthy streets of Manila, and crucified in front of Quiapo Church together with Senator Ramon Revilla Jr and ex-president Rodrigo Duterte.

Quiboloy will then be rearrested after coming back from the dead and flown to the US to face further charges. It is not clear at this point whether he will face the same death by crucifixion in the US, nor whether he can resurrect a second time.

Jesus Christ Confirms Sibling Apollo Quiboloy's Divinity, Inferiority Complex

Thu, 28 Mar 2024 00:00:00 +0000

VATICAN CITY – Jesus Christ released a statement through the Vatican Wednesday confirming that the Filipino church leader, FBI fugitive, and self-professed “Appointed Son of God” Apollo Quiboloy is in fact his younger sibling, appointed by their father Jehovah to save humanity from wokeness.

“Verily I say onto you, do not persecute Apollo,” Jesus Christ’s statement read, “for he is my own flesh.”

Apollo Quiboloy, the Savior’s statement said, is actually Apollo Justus (Apollo the Righteous) and was born of divine parents in 2 BCE in the small village of Nazareth in Galilee, not of Kapampangan parents in 1950 in Davao City, as his Wikipedia page says.

Photo: Apollo Justus, aka Apollo Quiboloy, bears a striking resemblance to older brother Jesus Christ

Four years younger than his more famous sibling, Apollo developed a severe inferiority complex as a young man and deeply resented his older brother especially after Jesus Christ died for the sins of mankind, rose up from the dead after three days and later became a celebrity, worshipped by members of the religion that now bears his name.

As centuries went by, Apollo became increasingly estranged from his family and spent most of his time holed up in his room in Heaven reading hentai manga and playing video games all day, only coming out to cavort with questionable celestial beings.

After exhausting his infinite patience, Jehovah finally banished Apollo to Earth and commanded that he redeem himself by saving mankind from wokeness, just as Jesus Christ once saved mankind from their wicked ways.

As for Apollo Quiboloy’s tormentors in the Philippine government and the FBI, Jesus Christ’s statement declared, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at him.”

Jesus Christ, however, belied Quiboloy’s other epithet of “Owner of the Universe.”

“That title surely belongs to my father Jehovah, God the Almighty, not Apollo,” Christ’s statement read, “and my brother only uses it at times to impress the extremely gullible, puny mortals.”

China Accuses Philippines of Abusing Free Showers From Chinese Ships in West Philippine Sea

Tue, 12 Mar 2024 00:00:00 +0000

BEIJING, China – Chinese Foreign Ministry spokesperson Yize Qu on Monday accused the Philippine government of enabling Filipino marines to take advantage of free showers provided by Chinese Coast Guard ships in the West Philippine Sea (South China Sea).

Photo: Chinese Coast Guard ships giving Filipinos free showers

“As is well known, Chinese vessels in the South China Sea generously provide free showers to any foreign ship that sails nearby without exception,” said Qu. “This is true for Vietnam and the Philippines as well as other hygiene-challenged Southeast Asian navies. But lately, the Philippines in particular has taken advantage of Chinese generosity and even sail their ships too close to get free showers almost everyday. We call on the Philippines to cease this dangerous and abusive behavior.”

According to Qu, crews of Philippine Navy ships were observed on numerous occasions preparing bottles of body soap and shampoo before sailing close to Chinese vessels in an effort to get free showers. This used to happen about twice or thrice a week in 2023 but increased to almost everyday since 2024 started, added Qu.

“This unprofessional conduct of the Philippine Navy is stretching our resources and patience. In some days, Filipino crews were even seen taking showers from more than one Chinese ship. How many showers in one day do you even need to get clean?”

At the Philippine Defense Ministry press conference in Manila later that day, spokesperson Rey Candungan rebutted Chinese allegations of unprofessional behavior. “While we acknowledge that our marines sometimes take free showers from Chinese ships when they are low on water provisions, that they do it everyday is patently untrue,” Candungan said. “And the alleged bottles of body soap and shampoo are pure inventions of the Chinese side. Our marines use sachets not bottles.”

Candungan also called on the Chinese Coast Guard to spray their shower heads high in the air and refrain from aiming at the crew directly as this might cause them to lose balance while scrubbing their bodies and shampooing their hair.

Oxford University Finds Bongbong Marcos’ Long-Lost Diploma After £24 Million Donation From the Philippine President

Fri, 08 Mar 2024 00:00:00 +0000

OXFORD, England – Oxford University registrar Gillian Aitken confirmed Thursday that after lying in the university’s vault for forty years, President Bongbong Marcos’ long-lost diploma has finally been found, one week after the Philippine government donated £24 million to the university.

Photo: Oxford University’s Trinity College, where Marcos’ diploma was found

The diploma’s discovery finally confirms that President Marcos had indeed completed his BA in Philosophy, Politics and Bagpiping from Oxford University, as he has always maintained throughout the years that he has been in politics.

According to Aitken’s press conference, Oxford University allocated £2 million from President Marcos’ donation to mobilize dozens of workers to search through its vaults and storage rooms in an all-out effort to locate the missing document.

“After a university-wide search that took more than 8,000 man-hours, we have finally located President Marcos’ missing diploma, along with other priceless manuscripts, in the underground vault of Trinity College,” said Aitken.

“We are delighted to announce that the diploma has been so well-preserved it looks like it was printed just yesterday.”

Other long-lost documents discovered in Trinity College’s vault together with President Marcos’ diploma include: a typewritten manuscript of Romeo and Juliet Get Married, sequel to the original, typed by Shakespeare himself; Cupernicus’ handwritten, incomplete draft of Black Holes and Baby Universes; and Magellan’s Zen and the Art of Ship Maintenance, completed in the Malaccas in 1521 after the famed sailor’s miraculous escape from the Battle of Mactan in the Philippines.

“On behalf of Oxford University, I would like to extend my deepest apologies to President Marcos for misplacing his BA diploma all these years,” continued Aitken, “and also to simultaneously express our gratitude for his government’s unexpectedly generous donation.”

Aitken later confirmed that the remaining £22 million from President Marcos’ donation will be used to fund Oxford University’s planned Ferdinand Marcos School of Good Governance to promote government ethics and transparency in developing countries.

Enthusiastic Supporter of Duterte's War on Drugs Saddened by Civilian Deaths in Israel-Hamas War

Sat, 24 Feb 2024 00:00:00 +0000

DAVAO CITY – Local man Peter Esteban, 46, enthusiastic supporter of ex-president Rodrigo Duterte’s War on Drugs in which human rights groups say as many as 12,000 Filipinos died, today tweeted his profound sadness at the number of deaths in the ongoing Israel-Hamas War.

“As a Roman Catholic I don’t really favor any side in this conflict,” tweeted Esteban, “but my heart goes out to all the innocent civilians–both Israelis and Palestinians–lost in this totally unnecessary bloodshed. I go to church every Sunday and pray that the war would end soon.”

Photo: San Pedro Cathedral in Davao City, where Esteban prays for the end of the Middle East conflict

A proud Davao native and Diehard Duterte Supporter (DDS), Esteban loudly applauded the former president’s War on Drugs even as human rights violations mounted and innocent people were increasingly getting killed.

“Those drug addicts?” Esteban said of the victims of the Philippine drug war. “Fuck them.”

Besides praying for the end of the Middle East war, Esteban also regularly thanks God in his prayers now that the Philippines is finally drug-free.

Anti-Poverty Czar Larry Gadon to Tondo Slum Dwellers: 'Just Stop Being Poor'

Sat, 17 Feb 2024 00:00:00 +0000

MANILA – Presidential Adviser for Poverty Alleviation and motivational speaker Larry Gadon shared to Tondo’s destitute the suprisingly simple secret to a richer life: “Just stop being poor.”

As part of his country-wide tour for poverty alleviation, Larry Gadon gave a rousing speech Saturday inside a packed community center in Tondo, Manila in which he urged his audience of slum dwellers to lose their “victim mentality” and escape poverty by “manifesting a richer life.”

Photo: President Marcos swears in Anti-Poverty Czar and motivational speaker Larry Gadon

“Being poor is the mindset of a loser,” said the Oriental Mindoro politician who lost all three of his senatorial bids in the 2016, 2019 and 2022 elections. “It’s all in the mind. You can end this state of misery you’re in right now by having a positive outlook and planning your path to happiness. That means manifesting a richer life and just stop being poor.”

In his one-hour talk that held his audience in thrall, poverty-buster Gadon quoted Philippine national hero Jose Rizal, who grew up in poverty but decided to just stop being poor and become a doctor. “It was Rizal who said ‘Give a man a fish and he will eat rotten fish everyday. But teach him how to fish and he will eat fresh fish for the rest of his life.’”

“But don’t wait for the government to teach you how to fish. You must do that yourselves. Besides, there’s probably no good fish to catch here in Tondo so you have to find another source of livelihood besides catching fish, like selling scrap metal or driving a tricycle, I don’t know.”

Gadon also cited the inspirational story of Elon Musk, who spent his early childhood living as a black boy in a destitute mining town in South Africa before becoming the richest man in the world.

“Look at Elon Musk. His family was so poor his father made him work in the mines before he was seven years old. Now he’s drowning in dollars. And he made his riches just by tweeting! If he can do that, then so can you!”

“You have to pull yourselves up by the bootstraps. Think out of the box!”

Gadon’s inspirational message appeared to have struck a chord with many in the audience.

“I don’t know who this Ellen Moss is,” said Jonjin Perlas, 22, dressed in flip-flops and rags, after the talk. “But I want to follow his footsteps and be a billionaire capitalist-entrepreneur. Or if that fails, maybe I’ll just be a politician and make an honest living, like Sir Gadon here.”

Single mother Aileen Santos, 26, who brought her three children to the community center, said, “Honestly, I came here because I was expecting to get a couple of sardinas and maybe some rice, but Sir Gadon opened my eyes to the futility of relying on government doles. I’ll probably take his advice and be a Youtuber.”

“These people don’t need government sponsored social programs to get them out of poverty,” inspirational-speaker-cum-poverty-fighter Gadon said in a short interview after his speech. “That just breeds unnecessary dependency.”

“What they need is someone who can give them a winning mindset. Which is what I do well. And I commend the President for having the foresight to appoint me to this very important role.”

UST Study Determines Average Time You Spend in the Bathroom Before Your Date Starts to Think That You Took a Dump

Thu, 15 Feb 2024 00:00:00 +0000

MANILA – A recent study conducted by the University of Santo Tomas (UST) School of Behavioral Science researchers determined that the average time you spend in the bathroom before your date starts to think that you took a dump is 6 minutes and 37 seconds.

Photo: University of Santo Tomas Main Building

The study, led by UST graduate students Crispin Manalastas and Evelyn Castro and published in the latest issue of Trends in Cognitive Sciences, involved a blind test of 487 male and 518 female university students from around Metro Manila, the largest of its kind to study behavioral patterns concerning the subject of taking a shit during a date.

The researchers strived to understand how members of both sexes perceive the time their dates excuse themselves to answer the call of nature. “We believe that this issue has vexed both male and female participants in the dating scene,” said Castro. “We have also wondered ourselves, and now we have a definite answer.”

The study is particularly unique due to its large data set, according to Manalastas. The researchers used two existing data sets of time spent sitting on the toilet seat and combined them using artificial intelligence (AI), allowing them to gain valuable insights about the undesirability of moving your bowels while on a date, noted Ruth Villanueva, professor of behavioral science in UST and adviser to the project.

“Many people usually do not think that the length of time we spend in the bathroom matters about how our date judge our attractiveness,” Castro said.

“We believe this perception is inaccurate because the length of time we spend away from our object of interest–especially if it was spent taking a crap–decreases our perceived ability to procreate, reliability to protect our love interest and over-all desirability.”

The study also highlights the difference between how men and women perceive the length of time their dates were away. Men need only be gone for 5 minutes 4 seconds before their date starts to think they evacuated their bowels, while it took longer–7 minutes 53 seconds–for women.

This difference comes from the female sex perceiving more danger the longer her suitor-protector is away, opines Manalastas.

Also, human evolutionary instinct that evolved from our hunter-gatherer past insinuates that members of the male sex who cannot help answering nature’s call in the most inconvenient situations are comparatively less reliable because they could easily be killed by a predator while in the process of dropping their load, according to Castro.

The study further determined that for men on their first date, when their date thinks that they moved their bowels while they were away, their probability of securing a second date decreases by an average of 72 percent.

Given this clearer understanding of the correlation between the act of crapping and unattractiveness, Castro believes the choice of food and beverage during a date should be treated with utmost importance. She recommends consuming dishes that are well cooked, and avoiding raw or spicy food. Asians in particular, who are more likely to be lactose intolerant, should eschew milk, and those with highly irritable stomach should avoid caffeinated beverages.

Manalastas and Castro further recommend that in case answering nature’s call is imperative, wait until the very last moment to excuse yourself, drop your load in the most inconspicuous and expeditious way possible, and be back at the table no later than five minutes, just to be on the safe side of the evolutionary tree.

This study was co-authored by Mark Francis Mañoso, faculty member at Polytechnic University of the Philippines; Jennylyn Lopez, a researcher at the Advanced Science and Technology Institute; and Sarah Jane Dimagiba, department chair of Biological Sciences at the University of the Philippines Los Baños campus.

Filipino Man Wins Japanese Castle in a Raffle, Promptly Makes Plans to Invade Neighboring Town

Mon, 12 Feb 2024 00:00:00 +0000

AKITA CITY, Japan – Biñan, Laguna native and self-confessed weeaboo Rodel Rosario, a 32-year-old factory worker in Japan, have won an old samurai castle located in rural Akita Prefecture in a raffle conducted on January 29, 2024 by the prefectural government to dispose abandoned houses and other derelict properties.

Photo: Kubota Castle in Akita Prefecture won by Rosario in a raffle

Included with the castle is title of its previous owner (“Daimyo of Kubota”), the surrounding five-hectare land and various samurai castle paraphernalia such as armors and weapons, farming implements and Edo-period household utensils.

Japan’s rapidly graying population especially in the rural areas have left millions of properties–houses, castles, schools, container ships, nuclear power plans–abandoned, and the local government have started programs to auction off or give them away for free to willing owners.

“It’s just incredible to win a castle in a raffle,” said a visibly excited Rosario. “Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine taking over a Japanese castle and being a daimyo. I need to take kendo and calligraphy lessons as soon as possible.”

The daimyo were leaders of the different clans in Japan during the Warring States Era, protecting their vast land holdings with samurai and often waging wars with neighboring clans.

Despite acquiring the castle for free, the cost of maintaining such a grand abode and its surrounding lands should be daunting for a mere factory worker like Rosario. However, he plans to spend at least 80,000 yen a month from his salary for the castle’s upkeep and maintain his position as preeminent daimyo of rural Akita Prefecture.

But the castle’s upkeep is not Rosario’s chief concern. Foremost in his plans is to raise a samurai army to invade the lightly defended nearby farming town of Ogawa, an endeavor that would test his martial skills, honed through countless hours of playing Ghost of Tsushima in his PlayStation.

His instincts tell him that the town would fall in one or two days of sustained assault. Ogawa’s sprawling farmlands would then ensure food for his domain and its women would be sold off as slaves or kept as concubines–for himself and members of his ragtag army.

Rosario further adds that with Ogawa Town firmly under his control, he would quit his job at the plastic molding factory and devote himself full-time to being a daimyo, penning haiku in his spare time and expanding his territory until the whole prefecture is under his control.

His ultimate goal is the capital of Tokyo, but for now, he is keeps himself busy trying to recruit would-be samurai warriors to his cause through Facebook Groups. Many of his friends remain unconvinced, but the lure of war booty and women slaves may prove too tempting for even the most skeptical weeaboos.

Senator Aquilino 'Koko' Pimentel Wins P117 Million in Lotto Without Buying a Ticket

Fri, 09 Feb 2024 00:00:00 +0000

PASIG CITY, Metro Manila – In a strange but extremely fortunate stroke of luck, senate minority leader Aquilino “Koko” Pimentel III, who called for an audit of the gaming activities of Philippine Charity Sweepstakes Office (PCSO) after a recent controversial lottery result, himself wins P117 million ($2.1 million) in the latest PCSO grand lotto draw.

The winning number was 02-04-06-08-10-12.

Senator Pimentel, who has no recollection of ever buying a lotto ticket, called the win “an unexpected but pleasant surprise.”

Photo: Extremely lucky Senator Koko Pimentel wins PCSO draw

“Frankly, I have always thought that winning the lotto was only true in fairy tales,” Pimentel told a reporter in an interview. “Meant for someone else but not for me. So I was skeptical when my secretary texted me to say I won. And then I saw her face.”

Pimentel told the agency that he plans to use his winnings to buy a small hacienda in his home province of Cagayan de Oro and possibly a modest condo in California, and donate the rest to the Pangarap Fund, a charity for streetchildren in Manila.

However, it wasn’t long before netizens found irregularities with the draw, starting with the winning number.

Dr Guido David, Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at the University of the Philippines, said in an X post that the probability of having these series of winning numbers was “1 out of 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. It looks unlikely.”

Others noted that the photo of the senator being handed a giant check by Assistant General Manager Julieta Aseo looks “doctored.”

“I have worked in a bank for over 20 years and I have never seen a check the size of a kartolina,” said one Philippine eagle-eyed X user. “It looks completely fake to me.”

Officials from PCSO rejected allegations of irregularities, saying that observers were present to monitor the highly regular pre-draw procedures.

“We would like to assure the public that the PCSO is honest about its responsibility and mandate to conduct games that are trustworthy, full of trustworthiness and translucency,” said Melquiades Robles, the PCSO general manager. “Public servants such as Senator Pimentel have as much chance of winning the lotto as everybody else. Even if they forgot to buy a ticket.”

Philippines Cedes Mindanao to China for $20 Billion in Cash, NFTs and Dogecoins

Mon, 05 Feb 2024 00:00:00 +0000

MANILA – After months of top-secret negotiations between the Philippines and the People’s Republic of China, Philippine Secretary of Foreign Affairs Enrique Manalo and his Chinese counterpart Wang Yi announced at the joint press conference Monday that the Philippines has agreed to sell Mindanao and the surrounding islands to the Chinese-speaking nation for $20 billion, with $15 billion in cash and the remaining $5 billion payable in non-fungible tokens (NFTs) and Dogecoins.

Image: Map of the new Chinese province of Mindanao (Mianlanlao) ceded by the Philippines to China

China also agreed to drop all import tariffs against Philippine bananas and pineapples, in exchange for the Philippines agreeing to drop all claims to Ayungin Shoal and Bajo de Masinloc.

Under the deal, Mindanao will become a province of China and renamed Mianlanlao, while its capital Davao City will be renamed Lapbau. Filipinos–including former president Rodrigo Duterte who was in Cebu at the time of the announcement–will be required to obtain a visa before they can visit the new Chinese province.

The announcement stunned the gathered reporters who were expecting a press briefing about the ongoing tensions in the West Philippine Sea.

The unprecedented land sale includes the main island of Mindanao, the smaller islands of Camiguin, Dinagat and Siargao, the entire Sulu archipelago, and the contested region of Sabah, with a total land area of 188,341 square kilometers. The purchase price comes to around $106 per square kilometer.

President Marcos later declared that “it was a really good deal, considering Mindanao is a backwater full of degenerate secessionists anyway, not to mention Sabah is under illegal occupation by Malaysia.”

According to a high-ranking Philippine government official privy to the deal who asked not to be named because of its sensitive nature, the negotiations were “intense” and that the Chinese side insisted on including Pag-asa Island into the deal. In the end, they settled on the Philippine side dropping all claims to Ayungin Shoal and Bajo de Masinloc, and the payment of $5 billion in Dogecoins and non-fungible tokens of Pokemon cards.

The Mindanao sale was effective immediately, and even as the two secretaries of foreign affairs were conducting their press conference, People’s Liberation Army Navy (PLAN) ships have already landed troops in Davao City, Cagayan de Oro, General Santos and other large cities in Mindanao to secure the region after the Philippine navy and army have left their posts earlier.

After the announcement, demonstrations were reported in Zamboanga, Butuan and other cities but were quickly put down by the Chinese army.

Former Philippine government officials, including Davao City Mayor Sara Duterte, were relieved of their positions and kept in house arrest. Chinese Foreign Ministry spokesperson Mao Ning confirmed later that all former government officials will be released unharmed after they have been reeducated and learned to write Chinese characters and speak Mandarin.

Mao also confirmed that all Mindanaoans will be required to adopt Chinese names and pledge allegiance to paramount leader Xi Jinping. Mandarin will become the official language of communication in all schools and government offices, and the use of Cebuano and other Bisayan languages will be phased out gradually within five years.

Meanwhile, inquiries to Malacañang about what will happen to the third star in the Philippine flag that symbolizes Mindanao went unanswered as of this writing.

Drugs Win Philippines’ War on Drugs

Wed, 15 Nov 2023 00:00:00 +0000

MANILA – President Bongbong Marcos declared at Tuesday’s press conference that drugs have decisively won the Philippines’ War on Drugs, one year after former president Rodrigo Duterte, the architect of the brutal six-year war on illicit substances, left office.

Photo: President Bongbong Marcos announcing the end of the War on Drugs

As a token of surrender, President Marcos had a day earlier pardoned and released from prison former senator Leila de Lima, the feared drug lord and head of the powerful Bilibid Drug Cartel which controls drug distribution in Metro Manila and Luzon.

“Today we finally acknowledge what we have known for some time: the War on Drugs has been lost,” President Marcos said. “Looking back, this ill-conceived war has been nothing but a drain on our country’s limited resources and an infringement on every Filipino’s human right to get high.”

“I have informed our allies in the House of Representatives and the Senate that I intend to sign into law the bills that will legalize the selling and buying of heretofore illegal drugs such as ecstasy, shabu, marijuana and many others. Hopefully, we will soon see these recreational substances sold in every sari-sari store and shopping mall all over the nation.”

The Philippine government is expected to issue drug importation and distribution permits as early as January next year to a number of Chinese triads, local gangs such as Sigue Sigue Sputnik, and the different branches of the Philippine Armed Forces and National Police.

It is estimated that around 57% of the Philippine population, or 60 million Filipinos from seven to ninety years old are addicted to drugs, many to escape the reality of being born in the country. The number of stoned Filipinos is projected to increase sharply after this announcement by the President.

Observers have commented on serious missteps by the previous Duterte administration in waging the War on Drugs such as focusing on killing ordinary drug users instead of going after major drug pushers, opinions that Senator Ronald dela Rosa, Duterte’s chief enforcer, derided as “uniformed.”

“The only mistake we made was that we didn’t kill enough of those junkies and crackheads because of constant interference from liberals,” dela Rosa said in a brief statement.

President Marcos, however, emphasized the importance of looking to the future instead of dwelling on past mistakes.

“As with any end to a long, unpopular war, this day is a cause for celebration,” the president continued. “Let’s all celebrate drugs’ victory in the War on Drugs by getting absolutely stoned.” Marcos then left the podium to snort a few lines of white powder backstage in full view of the gathered reporters and government officials.

Migrant Worker Learns the Bitter Truth: His Kumpare Had Been Riding His Honda While He Was Away

Sat, 11 Nov 2023 00:00:00 +0000

PASAY CITY, Metro Manila – Alex Fillarca, 27, had not believed what he heard from family and friends, but now that she was right in front of him, there was no more denying the truth.

He remembered phoning his brother from Taiwan to confirm the rumors. “Well, I thought you already knew,” his brother had told him. “Everybody in our street knew what’s up. There’s even that one time he was riding her all night, everyone in the whole block could hear her engine moaning.”

He had come home unexpectedly, and now before his eyes was his 1972 Honda CB750, a beautiful air-cooled, four-cylinder work of mechanical wonder. Her luscious curves would make a hardened man weak at the knees. She was the love of his life.

Photo: Fillarca’s beloved 1972 Honda CB750

He had imagined spending the rest his life together with her, but now he wasn’t so sure anymore.

He squatted and looked at the oil dripping from her motor, the dead battery, the worn-out tires, the cold engine that wouldn’t start. When he left her a year ago, her seat was plump and bouncy; now it’s all flat. It was obvious that someone had been mounting her while he was away.

“So it is true,” he said to his wife standing behind him, “everything that I’d been hearing while I was gone.” “No!” she tearfully answered, “You know I wouldn’t let anyone ride your cherished bike.”

But he didn’t really have to ask–he already knew. He had trusted her, and she betrayed him.

He saw a big rusty wretch in a corner of the garage and revenge briefly crossed his mind–but he quickly batted the thought away. That wasn’t his style. Besides, what man could resist something so enticing as a CB750, all there for the taking?

Tears welled on his eyes for the future he had imagined that was all gone. What was there left to do?

Well, what would anyone do? There was nothing in the world that could replace her–or was there? True, you probably couldn’t get another pristine 50-year-old Honda CB750 anywhere, but why not get something young and new? Something with the same heart-stirring curves but more utilitarian rather than sexy, something that would turn heads but not sexy enough for men to lust over.

A 50cc Honda Supercub.

The thought lit his face. He had seen one a couple of times ridden by a mailman during his one-year stint in Taipei. He thought it was a pretty neat bike with nice curves–utilitarian, trustworthy and reliable. But he didn’t actually think he would want one–until now.

He closed his eyes and pictured himself riding a red-and-white Supercub liesurely along the beach, stopping to buy buko juice and turon along the way. He would ride her and they would watch the sunset together, sipping buko juice and munching on a turon.

Yes, a shiny new Honda Supercub would do.

He thought of his kumpare, how they had fun riding bikes together during their college days. He knew he had lusted over his Honda ever since he laid eyes on her back then. If he really wanted his CB750 so badly, he would let him have it, for old times’ sake.

He got up and let his fingers run along the Honda’s fuel tank and then gripped her handles one last time. “We’ve had some fun, didn’t we?” he thought, “now it’s time to say goodbye.”

And his lying wife? He can have her, too.

He walked to the door and briefly looked back to survey the room–just enough to see the broken pieces of his dream–then stepped outside and gently closed everything behind him, the red-and-white Honda Supercub in his mind beckoning him towards the sunset.

Iglesia Ni Cristo Partners With BIR to Implement Innovative 'Salvation Tax' System

Tue, 07 Nov 2023 00:00:00 +0000

QUEZON CITY – At a joint press conference Monday, Iglesia ni Cristo (INC) executive minister Eduardo Manalo and Bureau of Internal Revenue (BIR) commisioner Romeo Lumagui, Jr. formally announced the implementation of an innovative system through which the BIR will directly deduct a 10% ‘Salvation Tax’ from Iglesia ni Cristo members’ salary every payday.

Photo: Bureau of Internal Revenue building in Intramuros

In what observers dubbed ‘tithing at the source,’ the implementation of the so-called Salvation Tax aims to streamline Iglesia ni Cristo’s tithe collection process to prevent believers from falling into arrears, thereby ensuring the salvation of their souls and expediting their ascent to heaven at the time of their passing.

Initial implementation will cover only Iglesia ni Cristo members earning a monthly income of 100,000 pesos or less, while the more affluent Jesus devotees may directly negotiate with senior INC authorities for safe passage to kingdom come.

Manalo said that partnering with the Philippine government’s highly capable tax collection agency will “bring our tithe collection system to the 21st century” where offerings can be collected in an efficient and timely manner, just as God Almighty intended it to be.

“As we all know, eternal salvation is only available to members of the Iglesia ni Cristo, the one true church,” explained Manalo in Filipino.

“Our divinely inspired Salvation Tax system will ensure that every church member’s place in paradise is secured by paying their sacred duty in a timely manner, which is pleasing to the Lord.”

The Iglesia ni Cristo believer-in-chief further added that when the Salvation Tax system is implemented on January 2024, a specially developed Pasugo App (available for iOS and Android) will be available for download through which church members can track their monthly contributions and periodially check their eligibility in securing a piece of real estate in the afterworld.

For his part, BIR Commisioner Lumagui lauded the Salvation Tax system as a “fast-track to everlasting life” and praised the INC supremo for his “celestial vision” in seeking its implementation.

“Other religious groups and organizations have expressed strong interest in our innovative tithe collection system,” he added, “and many are in the process of monitoring Iglesia ni Cristo’s successful implementation before making a firm commitment.”

Senator Dela Rosa Declares Trees 'Communist Sympathizers,' Calls For Complete Deforestation of Mountains

Sat, 04 Nov 2023 00:00:00 +0000

PASAY CITY, Metro Manila – In a priviledged speech on the Philippine Senate floor Friday, Senator Ronald ‘Bato’ dela Rosa declared that trees are ‘communist sympathizers’ that should be eradicated from the country’s mountains through legislation.

Photo: Philippine Senator Ronald Dela Rosa announcing death to all trees

“Let’s state the obvious,” said Dela Rosa, “Since the late 1960s when the New People’s Army insurgency began in the Philippines, trees have been firmly on the rebels’ side. They are traitors. They give the insurgents shelter and hide them from government forces. I have never seen plants as leftist as trees in my whole life. The sooner we get rid of them, the sooner we get rid of the New People’s Army.”

The Maoist New People’s Army (NPA) in the Philippines has been fighting government forces in the world’s longest ongoing communist insurgency.

To deprive rebels of cover, Dela Rosa’s plan calls for the complete deforestation of Philippine mountains in several stages, starting with areas rich in mineral resources and ore deposits that can be mined, and areas of old-growth forests with massive trees that would be licensed to logging companies.

“The government doesn’t even have to provide funds to cut down these commies–our partner companies would happily do it for free,” explained Dela Rosa. “I now say to these bug-infested NPA sympathizers: Your days are numbered. The time that you have provided comfort and shelter to terrorist rebels is soon coming to an end.”

Dela Rosa’s plan also provides for an amnesty program through which trees that would willingly return to the government fold will be reeducated and provided with plots in national and provincial parks where they will be transplanted.

“Only the old, hard-core part of the tree population who spurn the amnestry program and refuse to be reeducated and transplanted from the mountains will be cut down and sold as timber,” Dela Rosa added.

Dela Rosa’s speech was immediately condemned by leftist organizations throughout the country.

Leopoldo Villegas, spokesperson for the militant Alliance of Concerned Trees (ACT), whose objective is to unite trees and other leafy flora to struggle for their democratic rights and economic welfare, declared, “This is another harebrained scheme by a well-known red-tagger to hide the government’s incompetence in enacting meaningful reforms not only for trees and the environment, but for the whole Filipino population as well.”

While Dela Rosa’s plan also proposes that zoos be built all over the country to house wildlife that are going to be displaced by the destruction of their habitat, it is unclear whether the government or the private sector will provide the funds for their construction and maintenance.

Filipino Tourist Sets New World Record For Fastest Airplane-Touchdown-to-Seatbelt-Unfastening Time

Wed, 01 Nov 2023 00:00:00 +0000

TOKYO, Japan – Las Piñas, Metro Manila native Ronald Dimalanta, 37, set a new world record Tuesday when he managed to unfasten his seatbelt an astounding 0.009 seconds after his All Nippon Airways airplane touched down in Haneda Airport in Tokyo at 19:15 local time.

The ANA Boeing 787’s state-of-the-art safety control system detected the almost instantaneous seatbelt detachment as the airplane’s rear tires made contact with the tarmac, before the Filipino tourist bolted from his seat, collected his 20kg suitcase in a single open-and-grab motion and reached the nearest exit door in 2.67 seconds while the plane was still shaking violently as it decelerated on the runway.

Dimalanta’s time beat by 0.008 seconds the previous 8-year-old record of 0.017 seconds set by Nigerian businessman Adamu Chinwendu at Murtala Muhammed International Airport in Lagos, Nigeria in 2015.

As of this report, the Guinness World Records has still not completed the process of verifying this incredible feat of human agility in a confined space, although its spokesperson sees no apparent obstacle to its eventual certification.

In a Zoom interview after he and his wife reached their AirBnB in Ikebukuro, Tokyo, Dimalanta recalled that the events happened so fast, he almost didn’t have time to think. “I realized I had probably done something amazing when the Japanese stewardess still strapped in her seat near the exit door started screaming hysterically ‘Sir, please return to your seat! RETURN TO YOUR SEAT, SIIRRR!!!’

“By the time the plane came to a full stop and the aisles started filling up with people, we were already halfway out the door. Our quick thinking probably saved us around 90 seconds for the whole immigration procedure from the time we deplaned until we exited customs check, which was totally worth it.”

His wife Pinky Dimalanta, 36, who was almost immediately at his side in front of the exit door, was clocked at a relatively lethargic 0.047 seconds, placing her at a disappointing sixth in the all-time airplane-touchdown-to-seatbelt-unfastening ranking.

“We used to be so much quicker in our 20s,” said Pinky, “but we didn’t have enough money at that time to go traveling.”

The couple is in Japan for a week of sightseeing, including a full day in Tokyo Disneyland, where their agility and spacial awareness will prove an asset when cutting in line in front of popular attractions such as Splash Mountain and Haunted Mansion.

“Let’s face it, travel in the 21st century has become a competitive sport and waiting for your turn or yielding to others with fake modesty will get you nowhere,” added Dimalanta. “I read mainland Chinese tourists are out in force in Japan post-pandemic and we look forward to honing our dodging and darting skills around them.”

The fleet-footed Filipino acknowledged, however, that the couple’s elbowing technique is probably still not up to par to hold off the hordes of Japanese salarymen boarding the Tokyo Metro during rush hour.

Elon Musk Offers $1 Billion to the Philippines If It Changes Name to 'Philippenis'

Sat, 28 Oct 2023 00:00:00 +0000

HAWTHORNE, California – In a stunning development, billionaire entrepreneur Elon Musk offered 1 billion dollars to the Philippines if it would agree to change its name to ‘Philippenis’.

Photo: Billionaire Elon Musk proposing Philippines name change

“I will give them a billion dollars right now and a blue verified badge on Twitter if they change their name to Philippenis,” Musk xed on Twitter. “All for the lolz!”

Musk’s offer came after his earlier posts criticizing the Southeast Asian country for stirring up trouble in the West Philippine Sea.

“Have you ever wondered why the Philippenis Coast Guard always bumps into Chinese boats out in the sea?” he earlier wrote on Twitter, deliberately mangling the country’s name. “They’re always looking for trouble, that’s why.”

“They have literally more than 7,000 islands strewn about in the Pacific Ocean, why do they want more islands in the South China Sea? Inquiring minds want to know…”

Philippine senator Risa Hontiveros, who became aware of Musk’s posts alluding to the late King Philip II’s manhood, wrote, “That is such a dick move by Elon. The Philippenis–I mean Philippines, goddammit–is not for sale!”

“Elon has become a victim of Chinese misinformation that has run unchecked on Twitter for thinking that they are the good guys in the West Philippine Sea,” Hontiveros added.

Musk has come under withering criticism in some quarters for misinformation on Twitter since he purchased the platform and instituted a number of changes.

Another Philippine senator Ronald dela Rosa, known as ‘Bato’ (The Rock) for his uncanny resemblance to actor Dwayne Johnson, replied to Hontiveros on Twitter, “Let’s take him up on it! 57 billion pesos in Confidential Funds! Think of all the commies and drug dealers that we can put away with all that dough!”

“Heck, we can change the name to Philippecker if he wants, I don’t care. We can always change it back later. Let’s even give him Pag-asa Island to boot, it’s such a pain in the ass to maintain that godforsaken island anyway.”

Musk shot back with, “One-year minimum. I mean, I’m not a fool lol.”

When informed of the matter, President Bongbong Marcos hurriedly convened his cabinet to discuss the proposal and consider the consequences of using ‘Philippenis’ for one year, if any.

At the press conference after the cabinet meeting, Press Secretary Cheloy Garafil revealed that serious considerations were given to Dela Rosa’s offer to hand over Pag-asa Island to Musk to sweeten the deal if the billionaire thinks of backing out, although no concrete decisions have been decided yet as of this report.

Our Daughter Is Now a Young Woman. Time For Her to Be Circumcised!

Tue, 24 Oct 2023 00:00:00 +0000

Our daughter has just had her first menstruation, and there’s no better time for her to experience this age-old tradition for beauty, chastity and hygiene!

‘Female circumcision?!’ you’re probably thinking right now. That’s right, just like young preteen Filipino boys who undergo circumcision, we should bring back this largely forgotten rite of passage for chaste young Filipina women.

This simple and relatively non-invasive procedure involves removing the clitoris and other unsightly parts of the vulva, much like male circumcision removes the head and foreskin from the penis, for a much cleaner look!

Female circumcision is dubbed disparagingly in some parts of the world as Female Genital Mutilation (FGM), but I can assure you that it’s nothing of the sort. The genitalia is not being mutilated, it is being molded into something beautiful and hygienic!

This procedure, which is usually performed with unsterilized equipment, is a little painful to be sure especially when done without anesthetic and may entail lots of bleeding, later infections, urinary problems, shock and even death, but the benefits far outweigh the bad points.

Besides, the pain of female circumcision is a timely preparation for young women for the wonderful pain of child-birth, and a lifetime of sacrifice and suffering!

So, exactly why female circumcision? I’m glad you asked!

Upholding tradition

In our family, the girls are circumcised at around the time they get their first menstruation. I had one when I was 12 and so are my female cousins. My mother and aunts and grandmother did the same thing. It’s as traditional as celebrating Christmas.

My daughter will be grateful to share this wonderful tradition that connects her to our extended relations and a very long line of ancestors with missing clitoris.

Beautiful flower

Female genitalia is ugly, there’s no getting around that! Because female circumcision removes the unsightly parts of the genitalia like the labia, and the penis-like clitoris, our nether regions become so much more beautiful!

Think of the time your future husband takes a first look at your cleanly sculptured honey pot. He will appreciate that you had it cut down there!

Cleanliness and hygiene

You don’t know what nasty germs make their home inside the darkness of your nether regions. Cutting off the parts that shield them from cleaning eliminates these organisms that do nothing but give us women diseases and infection.

Also, cleaning our lady parts everyday will become so much easier!

Preserving chastity

Let’s face it, when women start to get their first menstruation, immoral thoughts start to intrude inside their young minds. These thoughts in turn might lead them to touch themselves, or have sexual relations before they are married.

That’s a big no-no because a good Filipina should preserve her virginity for her future husband!

This is why it is highly recommended that in addition to removing the outer parts of the vulva, the clitoris should also be removed, so nothing is left that can be touched down there.

Women empowerment

The ancient origins of female circumcision has been lost to history, but it has been practiced in Southeast Asia even before the arrival of Islam and Christianity. In the present day, our Malaysian and Indonesian sisters are still actively practicing this empowering tradition.

Sadly, the tradition of female circumcision has been largely forgotten or severely neglected by many in the Philippines. As we embrace today’s movement for female empowerment and liberation, why let men get all the benefits of circumcision?

Let’s embrace our indigenous culture and revive this beautiful tradition for all women in the Philippines!

Modern-Day Hero Refused Burial at Libingan ng mga Bayani

Tue, 17 Oct 2023 00:00:00 +0000

TAGUIG CITY, Metro Manila – Modern-day hero and former migrant worker Idelfonso Torres, who passed away last Tuesday at the age of 56, was refused burial at the Libingan ng mga Bayani (Cemetery of Heroes), his son Manuel Torres, 27, revealed at a press conference Tuesday.

“The gate of Libingan ng mga Bayani is walking distance from our house, so I thought it’s ideal to bury my father there–preferably close to the greatest Filipino hero President Marcos–so we could visit his grave regularly,” Torres explained in Filipino.

“However, when I asked about acquiring a plot, the guy at the information counter just laughed in my face. Then, when I tried to explain that my father was a migrant worker and a modern-day hero, they called the security on me.”

“Is that really how we treat our OFWs?”

Lynne Mae Batumbacal, spokesperson for the Philippine Army Support Command of the AFP responsible for the administration of the Libingan ng mga Bayani, confirmed that migrant workers–though often dubbed ‘modern-day heroes’–are not, in fact, qualified to be buried at the heroes’ cemetery.

“As far as I know, no migrant worker is buried in the Libingan ng mga Bayani,” said Batumbacal, “unless you count the Filipino soldiers who died heroically fighting America’s wars abroad. As for OFWs being heroes, I think that is just a hoax.”

Asked for comment, Department of Migrant Workers Undersecretary Hans Leo Cacdac did not directly address Mr. Torres’ grievance at this morning’s press conference, but released a statement later that read:

“Our office regularly receive reports of unscrupulous recruiters offering lucrative jobs and hero status to migrant workers. These are scams. Well-paying jobs abroad are exceedingly rare these days and nobody becomes a hero doing construction work. The public is enjoined to be vigilant about these fraudulent job offers.”

Meanwhile, Mayor Lani Cayetano of Taguig City, where the Libingan ng mga Bayani is located, offered words of comfort to the younger Mr. Torres. “It saddens me that modern-day heroes like your father are not properly recognized as such,” said Cayetano, “but they will always be heroes in our hearts.”

“Incidentally, we have a vacant plot that we could offer for free inside the Taguig Municipal Cemetery, right beside the Libingan,” Cayetano added. “If you stand on a tomb inside the municipal cemetery and look over the wall, you would see the green plains of Libingan right next door. It’s almost the same thing.”

As of this report, it has not been determined whether Mr. Torres has accepted Mayor Cayetano’s generous offer.

Justice Secretary Remulla's Survival Tip to Leftist Groups: 'Stop Being Annoying'

Fri, 13 Oct 2023 00:00:00 +0000

MANILA – During his weekly press conference Monday, Justice Secretary Jesus Crispin Remulla addressed the recent spate of killings of suspected leftist symphatizers and activists by offering this unsolicited advice: ‘Stop being annoying.’

“All these homicide cases concerning the leftist segment of the population that certain groups of people complain over and over again are easily preventable,” explained Remulla. “You don’t want to get shot at? Stop grandstanding. Stop being annoying.”

“Remember that community pantry started by some leftist activist in Maginhawa during the pandemic that spread all over the place? That’s a classic case of grandstanding, and a communist tactic to turn the people against the government. It’s like brazenly shouting to anyone who would listen that the government is not doing anything to help people, which is wrong. And really annoying.”

“So if I am a law-abiding citizen and I happen to walk by and see this annoying act of subversion against the government, and suppose I am armed, I might get trigger-happy and next thing you know, someone is lying on a pool of blood. Now, I don’t condone vigilantism and I strongly urge law-abiding citizens to keep their heads cool, but you really can’t blame these people when emotions get the better of them when they see these annoying things being done by socialists.”

“So it was a good thing that those community pantries were shut down really fast. Otherwise there would have been bloodbath. And then they would have blamed it on the government, which had nothing to with it.”

Among the vaguely subversive acts that Remulla considers ‘annoying’ that leftist groups and individuals continue to do but should do well to stop are:

Helping the poor
Teaching indigenous peoples ABC
Giving legal services for free
Telling people their rights
Talking to farmers
Wearing red
Demanding human rights
Setting up community pantries
Using your left hand
Hiking into the countryside
Holding up placards
Hugging trees
Looking like a peasant
Organizing anything without a money-making purpose

“This list is not by any means exhaustive, and there may be other annoying things that I have missed,” continued Remulla. “But these would eliminate 99 percent of the reasons why any armed vigilante would want to gun you down.”

“If in doubt, just remember this: don’t be annoying. Better yet, don’t be a leftie.”

Canadian PM Trudeau Thanks President Marcos for Regular Supply of High-Grade Filipinos

Wed, 11 Oct 2023 00:00:00 +0000

MANILA – During the telephone conference between the two heads of state Tuesday, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau lauded the friendly relations between the two countries and thanked President Bongbong Marcos for the Philippine government’s continued cooperation in regularly supplying Canada with high-grade Filipinos.

Photo: Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau with wife

“In 2022, Canada imported a record 1,200 tons of Filipinos,” said Trudeau according to the transcripts. “At an average of around 80kg each, that adds up to around–let’s see–15,000 individuals, give or take a few.”

“We are happy to report that imported Filipinos of all varieties have been deployed to virtually every section of Canadian society and in every corner of the country. Filipino-Canadians today continue to play a vital part in the dynamic future that Canada is building.”

During the 2021 Census of Population conducted in Canada, almost 800,000 individuals reported they were imported to Canada from the Philippines, making the Southeast Asian country the third largest source of imported individuals in the country behind only India and China.

Industry observers project that Philippine-Canadian trade in Filipinos will steadily increase in the following years and decades, as demand in Canada continues unabated while the Philippines has a large surplus of Filipinos that it is willing to offload for hard cash and investments.

The Philippines controls the world’s supply of Filipinos and produces an average of around 500,000 individuals per year. That is more than enough to satisfy the demands of countries like South Korea, Japan and Australia in Asia, major European economies like the UK and Germany, and Canada and the United States in North America.

Other countries like India and China compete directly with the Philippines in the people-export trade, but they only produce Indians and Chinese, not Filipinos. Filipinos, especially the export-grade varieties, are especially well regarded around the world for such qualities as hardiness, climate-adaptability, disease-resistance and natural fecundity.

Filipinos are a major ingredient in many countries’ industries, including housekeeping, nursing, caregiving, child-birthing, manufacturing, shipbuilding, mining, engineering, information technology, food industry, and in places like South Korea and Japan, schoolchild entertainment performed in English.

President Marcos, for his part, praised Trudeau for his government’s good sense in choosing Filipinos for Canada’s country-building project and promised a stable supply of export-grade individuals for the foreseeable future.

Jollibee CEO Tanmantiong Sues Company, Demands Paid Leave, 13th-Month Pay

Sat, 07 Oct 2023 00:00:00 +0000

PASIG CITY, Metro Manila – The Philippine corporate world was rocked Monday when long-time CEO Ernesto Tanmantiong filed suit at the Pasig Regional Trial Court against his company Jollibee Foods Corporation to demand, among others, health-care benefits, paid leave, 13th-month pay, and the end to worker contractualization, starting with himself.

At an impromptu press conference outside the court, the chief executive, who had been with the company for eleven years, declared, “I am sorry it has come to this, but despite negotiating with the company for the better part of a decade, my pleas for long-term regular employment with full benefits have fallen on deaf ears. I therefore have no other recourse than going to the courts.”

Tanmantiong says that his tenure at the company–a closely guarded secret up to now–has been an endless succession of five-month contracts, always falling short of the six-month-long employment that would make him a regular employee with full benefits such as paid leave, SSS contributions, 13th-month pay, and the permission to take home unsold Chickenjoy and Yumburgers.

Worker contractualization has long been a contentious issue in many Philippine companies like fast-food giant Jollibee, where workers are given indefinite five-month contracts, preventing them from being regular employees with full benefits.

It is estimated that a staggering 98% of Jollibee workers are contractual, but it was not known until now that the problem goes to the very top of upper-management.

It is now even plausible that Tony Tan Caktiong, the Jollibee founder himself, has worked as founder of the company on a contractual basis.

Benefits withheld

Among the litany of grievances Tanmationg outlined: going on a month-long company-expense European tour with his family but not getting paid leave; missing out on 4.7 million pesos a year because he doesn’t get his 13th-month pay; surreptitiously sneaking buckets of Chickenjoy through the back door because contractual workers are not permitted to take the day’s unsold inventory.

“I sympathize with the suffering of every contractual Jollibee employee toiling in our stores day after day,” maintains the aggrieved executive. “The insecurity of employment, the lack of paid leave, no 13th-month pay–I totally feel their pain. No Jollibee employee, including myself, should endure these kinds of indignities.”

“This fight is for all Jollibee workers everywhere who have been deprived of their lawful rights. The injustices of worker contractualization should end right now, starting with myself!” declared Tanmantiong to a round of applause from the gathered reporters, who were later treated with trays of mouth-watering Jolly Spaghetti and plied with buckets of crispy Chickenjoy to go.

Ungrateful Daughter Chafes at Role As Parents’ Retirement Plan

Tue, 03 Oct 2023 00:00:00 +0000

MAKATI CITY, Metro Manila – “About a year ago, I overheard my father telling his drinking buddies he can finally retire when I graduate from college,” says an irate Maricel Pangan, 21, in Filipino. “And I was like, ‘Hello? I still have five brothers and sisters who aren’t even in college yet! Is it fair that only I get to graduate and have a career?’ Boy, was I in for a big surprise.”

Ever since Pangan landed an IT job after graduating, her parents have been taking a big chunk of her salary to help pay for the bills, her siblings’ schooling and her mother’s monthly manicure. This has greatly irritated Pangan, who hasn’t fully appreciated the sacrifices that her parents did to send her through university.

“What about my own needs? I hardly see my monthly salary at all. After taxes almost everything goes to our monthly bills,” says the selfish Pangan, holding her brand-new TCL 40XL cellphone in one hand.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love my brothers and sisters, but is it really my responsibility to send them to school? It’s probably rude for me to say this but shouldn’t they have stopped making babies if they couldn’t care for them themselves? I don’t think they really thought this through.”

What has peeved the self-centered Pangan even more is that her mother has recently quit her job at the hairdresser’s and her father seems to spend more of his time drinking than actually holding a job.

“I feel so miserable at the unfairness of it all I sometimes dream of just running away,” bemoans the unappreciative Pangan. “Just get married and get away from all this.”

“And you know what hurt me the most when my mother learned I have a boyfriend? My aunt told me that my mother told her that, quote ‘We spent, others benefit’. I couldn’t have imagined that my mother would say something so vulgar like that!”

“Is that all they think of me? As a retirement plan?” says the oblivious Pangan, who is so self-absorbed she doesn’t yet fully grasp her role in life.

Water Cannons Aimed at Philippine Coast Guard Ship Actually Shower Heads, China Insists

Sat, 23 Sep 2023 00:00:00 +0000

BEIJING, China – After weeks of silence, Chinese spokesman Yize Qu, at a press conference in Beijing, chided the Philippine media for erroneously reporting that the shower heads aimed by a Chinese ship at a Philippine Coast Guard vessel were water cannons.

The Philippines has accused China of using one of its navy ships to fire water cannons at its ship and blocking it in the South China Sea, called West Philippine Sea by the Philippines.

The incident happened when a Philippine Coast Guard vessel was escorting boats carrying provisions of Tanduay Rum, lechon, and hotdog spaghetti for Filipino soldiers stationed on one of the contested Spratley Islands.

The Philippines and its ally the US has condemned the Chinese Navy ship’s actions as interfering with the Philippines’ lawful exercise of freedom of navigation and the internationally recognized right to celebrate a birthday party.

The Chinese spokesman, however, insists that the alleged water cannons widely reported in the Philippine media were actually shower heads that the Chinese ship uses for bathing.

According to Qu, when the Philippine ship sailed dangerously close by, Chinese crew noticed that their Filipino counterparts looked like they may not have taken a bath for days with their ragged clothes and sullen demeanor, being that there are no ports to take showers in for hundreds of kilometers in the disputed region.

The Chinese crew, out of pity for their fellow sailors decided to douse them with body-soap-laden high-powered bursts of salty water.

“That is exactly what happened,” says Qu, “and we are disappointed that our magnanimous gesture was interpreted negatively by the Philippines, no doubt at the instigation of the US.”

“We call on the Philippine media to verify facts before reporting, stop slandering China, and refrain from actions that hurt the feelings of the Chinese people,” he added.

Upsilon Sigma Phi Neophyte Proud of Brods Who Remade the Philippines Into a People-Exporting Third World Economy

Mon, 18 Sep 2023 00:00:00 +0000

QUEZON CITY – Bernard del Mundo, sophomore at the University of the Philippines in Diliman, takes great pride in being accepted into this fraternity whose illustrious fellows helped transform the Philippines into a thriving, people-exporting Third World powerhouse.

Del Mundo has just been inducted into the exclusive Upsilon Sigma Phi (motto: “We gather light to sputter”), the oldest of fraternities in Asia whose names are written in a language their members don’t understand. The fraternity is based in the University of the Philippines, where many of the nation’s future leaders and decision-makers study the multifarious ways to ship their fellow Filipinos abroad.

“It’s humbling to look up to these great men who came before me who have been architects of this nation’s great journey from its humble agrarian roots to a major people-exporting tiger economy,” enthused Del Mundo, gently massaging his sore buttocks.

“Imagine, we used to just export bananas and pineapples. Now we export everybody from nannies, nurses, caregivers and domestic helpers, to IT engineers, English teachers, entertainers and sex workers. Heck, I heard we even export farmers now.”

Just five years ago, the prestigious Upsilon Sigma Phi marked its 100th anniversary of foundation, celebrating a century of tradition, excellence, and the unwavering commitment to export their less fortunate countrymen to the far-flung corners of the globe.

Upsilon Sigma Phi’s alumni are a veritable who’s who of Philippine politics and industry. They include twelve house representatives, eleven ambassadors, ten senators, nine provincial governors, eight Jollibee franchisees, seven real estate magnates, six supreme court justices, five university chancellors, four calling birds, three French hens, two presidents and a Catholic patriarch in a pear tree.

Perhaps the fraternity’s most famous alumnus is former strongman Ferdinand Marcos, descendant of explorer Ferdinand Magellan and a bemedalled war hero who laid the foundations of a people-export-driven economy that catapulted the country into the coveted club of 40 Asian Tigers in the late seventies.

Del Mundo says his father–also an Upsilonian–recalls that the Marcos presidency was a time of great prosperity. The Philippines had so much cash from remittances from abroad that it invested most of it in 10,000 pairs of Hermes shoes–under the First Lady Imelda Marcos’ judicious guidance–which it cashed out with great profit in the 1980’s.

Del Mundo thinks the Philippines is on target to export 90 percent of its population by 2050, becoming an economic superpower in the process, and believes it is his–and his fraternity’s–patriotic duty to make it a reality.

South Korea Claims Exclusive Use of 'East Sea', Demands Vietnam Drop Name for Its Own East Sea

Mon, 11 Sep 2023 00:00:00 +0000

SEOUL, South Korea – A diplomatic spat is brewing between two erswhile Asian friends over the exclusive use of the name ‘East Sea’ to refer to the body of water east of their respective territories.

“There is only one East Sea,” said the South Korean Foreign Ministry announcement, “and it’s the one east of the Korean peninsula, not east of Vietnam. We have been using this name since ancient times when other Asian peoples didn’t yet have the concept of ‘the direction from which the sun rises’. We therefore urge our Vietnamese counterparts to refrain from using ‘East Sea’ to refer to other seas, except for Korea’s East Sea, erroneously known elsewhere as ‘Sea of Japan’.”

Map: Southeast Asia showing Vietnam’s East Sea

The Vietnamese Foreign Ministry, in turn, promptly rejected South Korea’s demand. “East Sea is the body of water on the eastern side of Vietnam and nowhere else,” said its spokesman Nguyen Kim. “We have been calling this sea the ‘East Sea’ a thousand years before other Asians were eating kimchi.”

South Korea has been actively lobbying the International Hydrographic Organization (IHO) by surreptitiously gifting its members prodigious bags of kimchi to rename the Sea of Japan as ‘East Sea’, insisting that the name ‘Sea of Japan’ became commonplace only when it was under Japanese rule and couldn’t produce enough of those foul-smelling, fermented vegetables to influence the naming of this body of water.

On the other hand, Vietnam also has its own East Sea, the name it uses for the South China Sea, where the disputed Spratley Islands are located, a number of which it occupies.

“The name East Sea is embedded in our culture,” says Nguyen Tag, a well-known Vietnamese historian. “There are many Vietnamese sayings that contain ‘the East Sea’, like, ‘A thirsty couple of husband and wife is capable of draining dry the East Sea’, meaning they can achieve anything they want to if they’re sufficiently hydrated,” Tag said.

While Vietnam does not lobby the IHO to change the name of South China Sea (it produces negligible amounts of kimchi), it refers to the sea exclusively as ‘East Sea’ in its official publications and press reports, confusing Google News readers and riling South Korea, which believes the use of two ‘East Seas’ so close to each other in this crowded part of Asia undermines its lobbying efforts for the Sea of Japan name-change.

Confusingly, what the Vietnamese call the East Sea and is internationally known as South China Sea, is in turn called “West Philippine Sea” by the Philippines, another Spratley-Island-claimant and frequent trouble-maker in the region.

All these East-South-West naming regarding this “Chinese sea” is indeed confusing, according to Chinese scholar Xin Lin. She proposes the neutral ‘Nine-Dash Line Sea’, which she claims should be acceptable for all parties.

In an email, Japanese journalist Keisuke Yamada refused to be drawn to the South China Sea naming dispute but commented that “‘Sea of Japan’ is the only internationally accepted name of the body of water between the Korean peninsula and the Japanese archipelago. The only ‘East Sea’ we Japanese know is the Pacific Ocean, and it is not proper to call it ‘East Sea’ just because it lies east of our country. Besides, it is really an ocean not sea and it already has an internationally recognized name, which is Pacific Ocean.”

Regional opinion-makers opine that the South Korea-Vietnam East Sea naming dispute is not going away anytime soon, as other naming disputes in this region full of territorial disputes.

Ilocano Migrant Worker Feels Deep, Metaphysical Connection to Congressman Sandro Marcos

Wed, 06 Sep 2023 00:00:00 +0000

HONG KONG, China – Seemingly insurmountable chasms of language, wealth and distance cannot keep true Ilocanos from bonding.

Just ask single mother Divina Ebreo, 47, a domestic worker in Hong Kong and a proud Ilocano from La Union. She feels a deep, inexplicable, almost mystical connection to fellow Ilocano Congressman Sandro Marcos (full name Ferdinand Alexander Araneta Marcos III), son of President Bongbong Marcos.

“I was ecstatic when I saw him for the first time when he visited Hong Kong,” says Ebreo in Filipino. “I’ve always been proud of my roots. Maybe that’s why I feel a deep sense of connection to him: we’re both Ilocanos. I’m sure he feels the same way.”

Sandro Marcos was born in Laoag, Ilocos Norte, to a life of extreme privilege, and grew up surrounded by opulence newly elected politicians could only dream about. His parents sent him abroad to study the ways of the world and learn King’s English, first to a private boarding school in Britain, then to the University of London and the London School of Economics and Political Science.

Now 29, he is a neophyte congressman representing Ilocos Norte’s first district.

The esteemed legislator–as his president father–doesn’t speak Ilocano, the native language of his peasant subjects, but has learned enough words to know that Ilocano folk song ‘O Naraniag a Bulan’ has something to do with the moon.

Youtube Video: O Naraniag a Bulan

“That’s amazing!” says a visibly elated Ebreo, when informed of Marcos’ prowess in her native tongue. “Shows you he’s really an Ilocano, like me. See, we Ilocanos relate to each other, that’s how we are.”

Ebreo says that another thing she admires about Marcos is his hard work, which she can relate to, having studied hard and earned honors in high school. Her family didn’t have money to send her to college though, and she had worked all her adult life, eventually ending up in Hong Kong where she has toiled for the last twelve years supporting her parents and son.

“You can’t go to high school and college in Britain without working hard like Sandro,” says Ebreo. “And I can tell he is smart because of his pointy nose.”

She also appreciates that Sandro hasn’t been spoiled despite having a family with billions of dollars stashed away in Swiss banks, unlike her own son Andy who lost his way and eventually quit college.

“I was really disappointed with my son Andy. I was working my ass off in Hong Kong and sending money every month just to send him to school but he just lost interest. My mother says I really couldn’t blame the boy because I wasn’t there to guide him but I don’t think that’s a good excuse. I had hoped he’d be like Sandro but i guess it wasn’t meant to be.”

Attempts to reach the office of Congressman Marcos for comment were unsuccessful, but being a geniune Ilocano himself, there’s no reason to believe the lawmaker from Laoag doesn’t share Ms. Ebreo’s deep, inexplicable, almost mystical feelings of kinship.

Kidlat News: Lightning-fast

Tue, 28 Sep 2021 00:00:00 +0000

Kidlat News started out as an experiment to see whether we could build a viable image-free website.

True to its minimalist roots, Kidlat News articles contain no photos or videos, only text. Where photos or videos are needed, they are indicated with links, not embedded into the articles.

Like this: Kidlat News graffiti

Kidlat News pages, therefore, should load blisteringly fast. No waiting around to read our highly-relevant, slightly out-of-date stories.

Table: Performance grades of selected Philippine news sites

As measured by Pingdom on October 22, 2023 at around 7:00AM. Performance grade 100 is highest.

News Site	Page Size	Load Time	Grade
Kidlat News	6.9kb	0.65s	99
Manila Times	4,300kb	1.39s	81
Rappler	4,200kb	1.55s	67
Inquirer	11,300kb	4.16s	63

As can be seen above, Kidlat News’ home page is 1,600 times smaller than Inquirer’s, and loads in just over half a second.

Other text-only websites

Other text-only news sites that we check from time to time are CNN Lite, NPR Text and CBC Lite.

Kidlat News: Philippine news satire in a lightning-fast website

Tue, 28 Sep 2021 00:00:00 +0000

Kidlat News is a low-bandwidth, text-only news satire website, with a focus on Philippine news and current events.

We may use the names and photos of public figures or actual businesses in our articles, but the stories themselves are invented. In all other cases, any similarity to actual persons, businesses or events is purely coincidental and unintentional.

Satire is a legitimate genre of literary arts and is protected speech, so please do not sue us.

You may though, steal our stories.

Is satire ‘fake news’?

Much like how caricature exaggerates a subject’s features here and there in order to emphasize certain traits, satire uses hyperbole or fiction to emphasize a point, create humor, or shed light on a larger issue.

Besides hyperbole, satire also uses other rhetorical elements such as irony, contradiction, sarcasm and slapstick to enhance its effect.

So how is satire different from the ordinary, low-down “fake news”? Satirist Aaron Hagey-Mackay puts it this way:

The motive underlying them is different. Satire uses fiction or humour to point to a larger social or political truth. It only works if you know it’s made up. Fake news operates under the guise of credible journalism to convince you of a falsehood–usually for political or monetary gain. It only works when you don’t know it’s a lie. In short, satire plays with its audience; fake news preys on its audience.

Of course, it takes a discerning reader to distinguish one from the other, and an equally competent writer to create an article that can legitimately be called satire and not simply a made-up news story masquerading as the real thing.

Indeed, inventing a totally fictitious news article without employing the rhetorical elements of real satire would render the result as simply “fake news.”

For example, before the 2022 Philippine President Elections, Rappler accused Adobo Chronicles, a self-proclaimed satire site, of writing and spreading a fake news story, with little semblance to what would normally be considered as satire.

Satire in Philippine media

Besides the aforementioned Adobo Chronicles, there used to be a number of self-styled humor/satire news sites that existed in the 2010s such as So, What’s News, Mosquito Press, Professional Heckler, Agila News, and others.

Many have ceased publication perhaps because, as the Philippine Daily Inquirer recently observed, satire–real satire–“has simply become unpopular.”

“Satire, which is high comedy, is supposed to make people laugh, then think,” said director Jose Javier Reyes. “Problem is, people just want to laugh and don’t think.”

This is probably the reason for the recent trend of “satirical news cards” popularized by social-media-based humor pages such as International State College of the Philippines (ISCP), Philippine Daily New Society, and Cebu Dairy News.

Graphic: ISCP BA in Mass Communication

These are simply headlines over a graphic or photo which take less time to create and appreciate than the longer news article, and easier still to share on social media platforms like Facebook, Twitter and Reddit. Though often humorous, only a few can legitimately be considered as satire.

Kidlat News is satire, not fake news

Like many satirical news sites, humor is the main goal that drives us to write. For example, we wrote articles like Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau Thanks Philippine President Marcos for Regular Supply of High-Grade Filipinos and Senator Ronald Dela Rosa Declares Trees ‘Communist Sympathizers’, Calls For Complete Deforestation of Mountains with the intention of being funny.

Humor, of course, is highly subjective, and what we find hilarious might not elicit a single chuckle from others.

But some of our articles, like Ilocano Migrant Worker Feels Deep, Metaphysical Connection to Congressman Sandro Marcos or Ungrateful Daughter Chafes at Role As Parents’ Retirement Plan, are not even humorous at all, even for the writers. Instead, they were written specifically to point out the irony in each of these women’s situation.

Compared to an ordinary news article, whose sole purpose is to inform, the appeal of satire is that it serves many purposes: make people laugh, expose contradictions, highlight social issues, mock people in power, encourage debate.

At Kidlat News we are not interested in writing real news–or even fake news–articles. Because those are boring. We are going to confine ourselves to writing stories that we think are worth writing and the only kind we know how to: satire.

Affiliations

Kidlat News is a member of Pinoy Websites, a webring of Filipinos with awesome websites.

Kidlat News is also a member of 1MB Club, 512KB Club and 250KB Club, collections of lightweight, performance-focused webpages from across the Internet that no one actually visits, and the Darktheme Club, because websites with dark themes are cool.

Kidlat News at Github

The Kidlat News website is generated by Hugo and our files reside in a public repository at Github. The Kidlat Hugo theme we use is licensed under Apache 2.0.

Kidlat News: Steal our stories

Tue, 28 Sep 2021 00:00:00 +0000

Kidlat News articles are published under ~~Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International license~~ WTFPL 3.0 (as of April 1, 2025). Share, copy, remix and/or adapt them for commercial or non-commercial use.

~~Please credit us with a link to https://kidl.at (or the original URL of the article) if you republish/repost one of our stories.~~

Support our journalism

If you like what you read here, you can support us by sharing our stories on Twitter, Facebook, or Reddit–or whatever social media app you’re currently addicted to.

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